Rainy day

I finally slept last night.

I’ve been stuck almost in the dreams of my abuse and I’m struggling holding my head above the waves of disgust, shame, self hate and such self destruction. I feel so unliveable that I can’t allow anyone to actually love me. I always have felt that I’m unliveable. Who loves a person that won’t allow you too. I’ve said I live & love from afar, I’m disconnected from my emotions most the time to not ache in my chest, that pain takes the air from my lungs when I flashback. Flashback. I transport I. My sleep to those moments when I died, I walked out alive. The abuse is over,,, over… I know I have the greatest life I’ve built from blood and tears with a serious amount of self reflection, I crave to live and live well. I remind myself that the things that I did, had done to, or did to any other person was when I was completely ignorant and assumed everyone’s home life was like this. Everyone does this right? Well until I had children I assumed a lot was normally. It’s not.

I bath my kids, read to my kids and so on with natural motherly want, like these tiny humans are perfection and I stay afar afraid I’ll break them just by being me. These kids hang off me, cry when I leave the house and cuddle up close for bedtime. At times I’m so frustrated by the constant attention then I think, I’m so loved.

They love me.


The face that made her nauseous I was so gross to my mom

This face lifts the eyes of 3 people. Can I accept that? I’m loved

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