Scared

I live a very open life.  I came forward 3 years ago now and let people see all of me.  Im not shamed of my biggest secret anymore, it’s an amazing feeling just saying fuck it!  Im worth it.  Im overwhelmed at times by how many people I now have honest open real friendships with, living from afar took a few steps forward it empowering to not be your own victim.  Even though I keep my journey & recovery open I still keep a few of my struggles silent only because I’m learning too and new symptoms come old ones visit it’s just my cross to bare.  I live in constant fear.  Im scared all the time.  I am really having a hard time going out into the world.  Im scared in a white misty cloud every time I go out.  I feel volnerable out there, it’s just scary.   The light hurts my eyes, the noises around me clatter I can’t focus on a dot to maintain balance.  I feel people.  I feel a bad person in a mall full of people I will see you.  My eyes are scanning every single detail, I’m photographing with my mind… snap, snap snap.  With all these sensitivities going on trying to complete simple tasks like groceries has become something I just can’t do right now.  My husband does all the outings and online ordering has been enabling for me and if I do choose to go and force myself to be around others I’m so scared I feel weak.  This is hard!  It’s obvious I’m off and meeting new people!!!  I don’t trust or do this easily but now and then a friend pops out of the clatter.  That’s amazing.

im such a social person yet lately I’m feeling lost and alone.

All this started 6 years ago when I got pregnant and had to have so many apts weekly as I was really high risk.  This protected need to keep that baby safe was so raw and it didn’t feel safe in the world.  It’s not.  As I lost independence at that time I slowly put on my shackles of irrational phobias.  I can control my anxiety and paranoia so much better in my home.  It’s safe.  Until you felt volnerability you don’t understand that fear.  Awful feeling.  Deep in your gut, everything is a possible worst case scenario.  Irational!  I know it yet I’m scared.  Mind over matter at times fades. Then grows the phobia.

After my son my symptoms increased as my physical health declined I lost more and more of independence a little at a time.  I stopped driving my medications are too risky as I have paused and delays.  I loved to drive, I miss that independence.  Then i realized I’ll not be able to financially contribute the surgeries, the apts, the symptoms the pregnancies of uncertain life, the medications the ups the downs the hormones the independence just got lost.  Now I feel a bit trapped.  Going to pick up my son at school was a worry an scary anticipation of going out and seeing people ate at me all day.  I can’t sleep the nights before having to go somewhere.  Just fret myself sick over it.

I feeling at this time my phobias of civilatijn around me and all it’s disgusting humans that walk amongst us have became too big to control on my own.  I have decided with my psychiatrist to start into more intense therapy before the fear becomes another box.

No one seems to accept that I just can’t.  I can’t.

I cant

i can barely understand this myself.  I want to more than anything to be in the world but it’s just not easy.

Forever from afar.

 

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