I just can’t seem to write.

My heart is sorting out a lot of things. My baby sister has contacted me. It’s been nearly 6 years since we’ve had a conversation. We attacked eachother with full hatred and absolute vile poisonous tounges that horrible curse our mother did leave us. The loathing we have and the things said are unforgivable yet I know that person the sister in me is mean, bully with a mission to destroy her. It feels good to know I won I. The game of who crys first. How sick is that feeling. The road to affection was paved in cruelty. I’m a nice human, I’m not perfect shit I’m a bag of mistakes all faults aside my heart I know is good. I’m quiet, smart, friendly and liked by many, not being a pompost ass like douche moment here I’m just being real. I’ve not intentionally hurt another but when it comes to my sister this evil person emerges. I’d never speak to anyone the way I’ve spoken to her. That’s the truth. It’s disgusting behaviour and I own that.

At Thanksgiving I had a mild blip with my brain I had gone manic and crashed hard. I’m ok where I have such a support system fortunately I’m inpatient living outpatient t and a phone call will activate every resource i need. Its wonderful! I hope in my lifetime everyone has that. I was going in and out of the psychiatric floor for medication adjustments and observation. It’s tricky changing my cocktail as I can go very very quickly into psychosis. It’s very comforting for me to know I’m ok, safe. During this episode we call it episodes as it just derails myrecovety not end it. Ok so I decided to take my struggling face forward in hopes my invisible disease could be seen, it’s very obvious if seen, all in our eyes, the dark rings of worry and fear. Took some big lady balls man, I’m not the cutest. By talking about the symptoms most common reaction to to be scared it’s the right response so many like me die by their band. I talk past that into the reality of living with my disease. Well my sister had been emotionally drawn to contact me via my husband. We’ve made very concrete.boundaries.

I’m fucking terrified!

I’m fucking terrified!!

I don’t know if I can grieve her again. My punishment for not continuing a relationship with my mother was for her to make my sister choose. Of course she chose the affection she deserved. Then it was my grandfather. He too is gone because I stood up for myself. Grampa called Christmas Day as well……

ya so a whole lot going on inside. It’s a tornado in my heart.

What happens if… if… I could fill a scribbler of possible scenarios leaving me. Leaving me all shook up again like a snow globe. I love how it feels when the snows on the roof tops. I love it!

I’m just feeling so exposed, gutted, torn.

Proceed with caution.

The lonely orphan

Is this a mistake?

I’ve been triggered.

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