I’ve been unable to write a single word for I’ve been built of sand and the winds of agony within blow, they blow and the huff and puff till my legs fold. I’ve been holding my pieces together by Will as the greatest days of my life are forever shadowed, by a darkness of realization. As I tuck my kids in all warm and cozy I remembered never being tucked in. Nothing I do remember crying out for a drink and the screams within the stairwell frightened me silent. I bake cookies for Santa I have blankness, I have not recollection of any of these things and when I do receive these flashbacks it humbles my strength still with anxiety attacks so bad we can barely control them anymore. It’s so scarey, so so scarey and lonely .
My awesome children had a absolutely marvellous Christmas, it was so simple, opened gifts all day not a big locus like blur of paper and free of quantity. A few toys, my father came surprising us all by dressing up as Santa Claus and dancing outside ringing bells. Not something that happens in a city too often without aressting someone. Seemy dads a awesome person who handled some heavy stuff very poorly. Can’t be to hard on the cranky loving old fool. Everything g was perfect. Yes I’m a mother above all and my illness no matter the severity I’m s good mother, odd yes but these kids read only a good life. As I’ve said many times I never hurt anyone but myself.
These are the daily things I survive, the thorns in my paw.
Well I know have myself convinced that I’m dying, a cold over the holidays has me convinced. I saw a red ring around d the moon, it made me feel fear of somethings going wrong. So logically of course I assumed I’m going to die. Absolute logic. I know it sounds ridiculous yet I check my jugular pulse, I swear and my heart skips beats. A pain in my chest has to be a massive coronary, right? Logic. I’m so convinced like a wee whisper of doubt always saying, it’s time. Ding death number up. Logic
I’m really having a difficult time with leaving the house. I had this happen before and I know better than to not push myself. I could happily never leave my safe happy home. It’s the truth. I love being alone, silent and alone. Obviously this trait I have is not the best yet I can talk myself inside with a million reasons why. I find large public groups like grocery stores, malls and so on causing me extreme censors overload. I hear everything, see everything, all conversations pulse into my head like a broken cb radio. I can’t focus, the lights make my vision blurry, as though my eyes can’t fixate on anything, it hurts, lights are awful. I make myself go out yet I’m really uncomfortable out there. Always looking over my shoulder. So even though I miss some friends and could use a adult conversation I’m lonely at times very much so but how can I say I love you and admire you and want to be around you but I’m scared I’ll get overwhelmed and make a scene of myself. I’m finding it more and more difficult daily to push myself outside. I’m safe here, no censory overloads, adrenaline of fear, no yucky feelings. See this happened when I was a young girl I would not go outside. One day I called in sick as my chest was going to explode, I went to the doctor. Massive anxiety attack he said. So I called in the next day, the next day and then I quit my job and I did not come out of that sad apartment on the hill behind the old furniture store. I was terrified, could not leave. This lasted nearly 6 months before I had to be sedated and taken to Fredericton where I was treated for social anxiety and phobias of everything and everyone out there. With Zoloft and daily talk therapies with a lovely old male psychiatrist was able to return home quickly. Oh and so so silently, definitely can’t let anyone know. Shameful really being a fucking freak.
Not long after I locked myself in the bathroom and cut myself till the skin had no feeling and each drag of the blade stains the tub red. Te landlord was called and the police called. They forcefully took down the doors and removed me. So lonely watching people out my window wishing I had friends, anyone. Lonely. Isolated, watching from afar.
I can recognize that I’m scared again, I know I can overcome it again yet I am so happy inside.