Pace, pace

When I’m in a mixed state bipolar episode I have the most annoying symptoms that I’m so done with, yawn! So I’m a bit manic not I’m Jesus manic just electrical sensation manic. I physically no matter how hard I try I can’t stop pacing, can’t trust me I’ve heard it all “just sit down”. Why yes that is a brilliant suggestion. I can’t just sit, let it go or not complete a task. This is a topic in our home that’s frustrating my husbands knows I need rest yet I’m going a mile a minute completing my tasks no matter what. Just sit down. If I could I surely would.

Mixed of course means a rainbow soufflĂ© of really uncomfortable days. Each day that passes the exhaustion of flying high being stuck in a manic OCD hurricane I physically begin to fail. Mentally the rituals increase as I try to self sooth all these yuckies. It’s truly a horrible state of confliction, I’m so tired! The exhaustion and pain are obvious. The medications are rising to prevent a in stay at our local ward to be put to sleep and forced to sleep. If it comes to that I’m totally ok with it only so long I can be like this, high blood pressure from the frantic crawly exhausted feelings. If we can do this outpatient it would be great. I hate being a family burden my poor husband would worry himself sick, not be able to work cause we have no family here, I’m everything to these perfect humans, me. He can’t work that furthers the stress of fearing job loss. There is no protection in Canada for medical emergencies like a few weeks off no worries to care for your family, nope. I feel horrid that I hold the man I love back, he’s stuck sometimes under very very hard rocks.

I pace all day, I clean and scrub, I exercise, eat well, do everything right. Why does it still come back. The depression,,, oh the depression. It’s such a heavy, cold, clammy chill of a blanket. Sometimes the cape of non logic wraps around tightly and squeezes the sun from my eyes. The world look darker. I feel you, you hurt my blessed self it hurts.

I woke up today in tears. No reason other than getting up was like climbing Mount Everest. I got to the bathroom and I stood there forever looking into my own lifeless eyes, a depressive eclipse of my soul. I look past into the light and I say “fight”.

It’s invasion of yourself, your in there. Fight

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