A few days ago a familiar enlightenment of my eyes and uphoric sensation of numb skin began. I know this feeling well, not as often do we I’m now a week into a pretty strong mixed state. With being bipolar I have extreme mood changes from catatonic to I’m god. With medications and regular psychiatrist visits and recently letting people know I’m not well. My symptoms have reached a level of exhausting and non controllable. I’m a rare form of bipolar disorder I’m rapid cycling. This means I flip from one mood to another quickly appearing as crying while laughing, quick to anger, great pain feeling all shined up and ready to be dropped. This being a mixed rapid cycling state. It’s been some time since I’ve had to say help. All these supports I have all lined up because I care about my mental state, I just call and the ward takes care of me from there. I’m currently under outpatient care. We are adjusting medication, sedating for sleek, very very important I sleep. We have to watch me closely at times like this as that familiar static can travel the voices and visions. I’d prefer to not go there.
All the things I do in my regular life help me heal faster, stay well longer and induces good hormones, it can be frustrating to work so hard and still a good dance with my demons must proceed as to humble me with just how real they are.
I find these times so overwhelming, I’m anxious all day and night to the point of soaking shirts sweat. I’m pacing and can’t seem to stop, back and forth like a cougar in a cage desperately pacing away the great big scary feeling. I cry a lot, not in a fall apart way just a warm stream or puddle in my eye, just tears. My eyes hurt, burn and itch worse than any allergy. I am hiding in basements and spare rooms to take a moment to allow the pain show. Then I go at the day again. I find the worse I feel physically and mentally the more I need to do. I force my aching low running self up and I do everything I’d normally do, period. Sitting down is never going to help you through the big bad feelings. I find that meditation through movement that leaves a obvious achievement is a fantastic thing. Gets tgat high energy focused and when your don’t can step back and enjoy whatever to did. For me I clean, garden, hike, exercise and of course do things with my kids. Let me toss this in here now. Because I’m a mother who lives with several mental illness does not mean I’m a vicious mean monster who’s too unstable to care for them properly. Not true. My little turds are very happy even though I’m their mother. We will keep them involved in our family programs to help them understand mommies disease, never will they feel it’s because of them that’s the furthest away for the truth. Every single good thing about me is within them. The very best of me.
I feel so sad, so linely and scared inside, what if this beats me down enough to take the wheel, ugh! I worry about everything,