Was it Me?

I’m sure I’ve mentioned my children a million times, I’m obsessed with my creations. I know I’m the hands on stay at home mom cliche that can’t let her kids go, yep totally! One tiny little flicker on a black & white micro screen above the rumble of Torontos streets. Just a tiny kidney bean with tiny nubs wiggling like a fish tail, that exact moment I connected to another person so woven in my fibres and instant love. Life jumped up and tipped over my kayak, splash into a new person, a new side is activated. I loved both these tiny humans instantly. Named, rooms done by 5 months. I literally did nothing just to insure they stayed right there. I feel like having such high risk pregnancies has left me traumatized. A unhealthy attachment occurred, I’m so terrified of the world I’ve known to be the one they know too. Well I can’t hold on this close, am I smothering them, I think so. I’m just trying & learning a with no examples or persons to fall on. It’s at times like these that I wish for the idea of a mom, sigh.

I’m not dealing well with a few events right now and I don’t know how exactly to feel, what’s natural? I’m full! How selfish right. In six months I’ve found out that both these amazing kids are going to have special needs and struggles. Dear things right out the gate a hurdle. My son is struggling greatly with what’s expected to be ADHD or some form there of. This breaks my heart. If I could take that coat and wear it for him I would. When I see his bright sunny face looking so scared kept away in a sensory room. It’s terrible. Was it me? Was it the medications I took during his pregnancy? Was it the weekly ultrasounds? Was it the high blood pressure? High sugars? Low placenta function? What if my not knowing till four months during such I lifted all day? Could it have been any of this? Was it me? Is it because I’m so flimsie in deciding

Yet I yell. I yell it’s not a proud thing but my weakness is I bark in a high tone. Is it that? Is my raised voice that made him auditory sensitive? I feel guilt constantly that my poor son spent a year of his life getting his social time with other children at my hospital visits, the surgeries, the doctors, dear boy we took him because we had to. No family the motherless mom. Is it my complete over doing? He has done little for himself, I do it. Is it my shit parenting my ignorance towards raising a emotionally healthy human because I’m a enotionally abnormal person. Is my oddity why? Did I give him any form of my curses? Is it me?

My daughter can’t walk. My perfect radiant little girl sits on the floor looking up at me. We have not yet come to a approach or game plan yet we are in the diagnostics of it. I look at her and feel pity. I carry her everywhere seeing her sitting on the floor scotching in her dear bum breaks my heart. Was it me? I have a shorter leg, is this the issue? Is is the medications once again. Fucking medications. I have no choice but take them. None. I know this and we did everything under a specialists care. Again the same things,,, sugars, and on and on. Was it me?

I’m being a great mom and cheering them along in their journeys not about me here eh but boys I’m a mess about this. I’m all shaky inside, keep feeling like I’m flipping over my heart feels all fuzzy.. it’s a uncomfortable feeling. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing here. May my ignorant choice and guidance be enough to at least start them in the world.

I question every single thing. Every single thing. I’m clueless and pulling stuff out my ass daily. Is it me? I don’t talk much, if I was alone I could go weeks in silence easily. Actually more comfortably honestly. Is it me not making none stop baby talk? Is it me?

Man old man is it me?

Dear children.

I will always try: I will always be there. Please know your everything.

Your perfect! It’s all me

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