There are these exact moments in time where everything stops around you, it’s a click that captures a changing moment in time detail by detail, freeze frame. The person you were is now gone.  Who are you now?

Freeze Frame.

i sat on that musty mothball stuffed couch covered in a brown knit quilt the yarn was itchy with risen yellow and orange 70’s style flowers that stuck off oddly covered in nibs.  I could hear the wife’s work boots uniquely thumping on that tore up hollow Lanolin in the kitchen.  The stove door drops down of it’s hindges slightly a dull deep thud as the busting coals crackle as she tosses in the fresh maple into the fire.  A cool breeze tingles my feet winter blew a kiss in the door.  My tummy hurt a ache in the middle that felt hot and sore, I knew today the wife was going to town and I could not go usually incase mom came by to grab me.  The door knob rattled loosely as wife calls out to him.  Bang.  Alone time.

Their bedroom backed off the living room that musty couch against that wall.  We sat head to back with a paneling thin wall.  Their bedroom was piled over my head in garbage and clothing tossed around, a small rather high window across the entry. The price is right wheel clicking began to fade as I heard the springs creek and twang, the bump of the floor as his feet hit the floor.  My tummy ached like a cramp. Flick…. flick…. crackle.. long deep inhale with a pleasuring exhale of a post nap smoke.  The tension in my shoulders throbbed.  Cough… cough.. grunt rubbing of hair I could hear a mouses foot step.  That pong of the springs as he got up.  Out the door to my right he staggered to the door casing clearing his mucous filled throat.  I stared directly ahead.  “Well hello pretty girl”. He walks past me looking down at me smiling those yellow teeth.  He was black with dirt, long scratchy black beard tangled curly hair all stuck down.  I can hear his urine pouring into the toilet.. aaaaahhhhhhh!!

I hear the ice hit the glass.  He walks back across the tv towards the bedroom.  I set tense tummy in a knot.  He disappears into the room.  “Come on in, let’s watch a movie together sweetie.  I thought maybe if I don’t go he will forget in his constant booze coma, I was wrong.. ” I said come on In dear hop up”

i entered the room but head could not rise, so scared but I knew from our previous educational visits that progression was certain but still I did not understand what exactly I was about to learn.  I jumped up the mattress seemed so high, he quickly scooped me up onto his lap as he sat Indian style holding me.  “So today I want you to see what people do when they really love eachother”. He pushed the tape into the VCR  while squishing me.  He sits back “ok now you watch closely this is important to know”.  A black screen with words scrolled in the middle came on then faded to a soft store like music.  He began to rub my back, oddly I felt relaxed by this.  As two people began to engage in previous lessons.  “Remember how?” I nod yes and he holds my chin up to look at me directly.  “Now show me how much you love me” its a very bitter chunky like coconut water at first, the smell was so offensive as he guided my head holding my cheeks his hot fowl breath blows my hair over and over it tickled my face.  The hair made me gag but this seemed to please him.  Time just stops.

Freeze Frame.

“what a good girl you are” he lays me back my knees squeeze so thighs I can feel the muscles burn. My eyes stayed close I could feel the pulling and jiggling of being moved around with elevator music playing so loudly now in my mind.. lost in the music, I focused outside my body.  “Common dear I need you to watch, this is a very special moment for us, it’s ok I love you you will enjoy this.  I couldn’t I felt the warm pressure down below, this pressure increased with slow pulses I could feel the ripping hot sensation.  He used his hand to hold my belly pressing down, he began to whisper.. groan and gurgle in vibretos or pleasure.  The pressure,, the pressure and burning.. slowly it felt like I was being split in two… then I felt this odd feeling. A sharp stab inside.  It seemed like a second and I don’t remember a gap is here.

freeze frame.

the pressure just stops as I feel the weight of him lift off.  I was dewy in his sweat, he huffed and puffed, using a tsgirt to wipe his forehead, he tossed it to me I sat all curled up.  “A bit of a mess.  You sure love me dear, some pretty girl,, huff puff as he leaves the room.  I get up and feel the thick warm slim run down my inner thighs.  It was white with a pink tinge like strawberry swirls white boogers.  Using that tshirt I clean up.  I go to the bathroom my bottom on fire.  I hear the stove door fall down once again.. ka chunk.. as I come out I see him toss that shirt in the fire.

Freeze Frame.

Who am I now? Love hurt!

If you were to put yourself in that moment would you ever be the same?  Could you just get over that?  Would you ever trust another?

Seems cruel to expect doesn’t it.

talk talk talk.

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