This small word sounds so simple but for me this is a exact moment when something flips a switch within that teleports me right back to that exact moment. A scent, object, unfamiliar yet familiar feeling these lightbulb moments that rush in like a Atlantic tide as I fall coldly into that tunnel towards whatever emotion that’s about to rush to the surface with great possibility of painful feelings with tiny memories like air bubbles in a scuba divers blood I arise bursting from within gasping for relief. That simple word invades so much. For me I live walking around emotional land mines that trigger me to often feel very sad and overwhelmed in agony that sometimes take months for me to over examine that feeling and finally tuck that feeling back inside until it jumps out again. Even now so many years later I am crippled at times by the pain I feel the grief I survive it’s never going away but I can park my feelings most of the time in order to function my sadness if endulged only leads to destruction. I park all my pain by this I mean I have to go out to a event even though at that time I may be having a close surface day I logically say, ok I feel you I’m not denying you I’ll see you again big feeling but right now I’m gonna park you over here and go out and enjoy making these current good memories, I live right there at that time and when I need to grieve I can say hello until parked again. It’s ok to not be ok it’s ok to not know how to cope at times it’s ok to fall apart this is healthy, not acknowledging reality is only avoidance, right.
I have been struggling so greatly with having my son start school, it’s a very terrifying emotional topic that has triggered some very uncomfortable emotions that st times have unlocked memories from the dark stored memories I have shut away. Don’t get me wrong I’m over the sun excited for my child to grow and see new things he’s going to excel I feel it, for me away from responsibilities and caring eyes I’m falling apart, so anxious and filled wit unrealistic terror, I’m not doing as well as I had hoped. I’ve been preparing g for this for a year now with my psychiatrist. This was my child’s first time with anyone other than us, yes it sounds very odd to many Nd trust me a few have not agreed and have rudely voiced their reactions it’s made me feel isolated because once again I’m copping with things not many know. If they don’t know then how can they understand yet those what the fuck faces strike as judgment. I strongly feel if we talked to each other rather than about each other would solve so much miscommunication that separates us, a lonely world of unfamiliarity.
I have been with my boy every step of the way I know for certain and take comfort in knowing that no one has hurt him. For the average person who has not survived abuse in any form let alone every like me so not think of such horrid things. I fear someone will target him and molest him, it’s completely unfounded nor is it a rational fear yet for me this is so real I can’t cope at times. I’m pacing my feet into blisters this week counting the hours, minutes and seconds till I see his happy bright eyes. I’m standing outside his school waiting cause I’m early the option of tardy is a no absolutely not in every aspect in my life. I have been experiencing physical illness because of my anxiety that’s obsessed irrationally over a unlikely scenario that yes it’s common for me to know the rainbow of pain but that’s not normal in any way. I know I’m smart I can look above and say stop this your being foolish but inside I’m sick in fret. This week has been long avoided most definitely.
Has my tainted possibly decision been wrong for my son? Am I going to install co dependence and fear if I don’t let go? Have I been unable to make this step easily? All the above and a million more. This over whelming guilt eats at me I never feel like I’ve made the right choice. This week I have realized that I need to further accept the help awaiting for me so I can further heal and re file in knowledge to combat the monster in my head. After 23 years of therapy I think I’m ready to discuss in details he abuse. I’ve been accepted into a intense therapy program tha is hard to get into for woman who know violence. I will have a specialist just for this so I can learn further how to move forward and accept this. I’m a warrior that falls to their knees. I’m a queen sitting in the mud. It’s time……