Shedding my armour of fat.

So in recent I super proud to say I have lost 87 pounds! Like that’s a super duper awesome thing for me, it’s taken some ton of work.  Not only did I have to simply learn to eat again in a healthy way not only nutritional but to not eat for comfort or to hide.  I used food exactly the same as I’ve used booze, every darn narcotic available up till 2006.  The surface became like dropping Exstasy.  I had my son and started dealing with a rush of bad health the postpartum of being like me hormones make it so high risk.  My instinct and habit would have been to binge on whatever I could get my hands on and have a massive breakdown leaving a pool of blood and vomit razor in hand. Not a option once I became a mom that for me was the moment I knew I was pregnant.  Having m children has saved me and forced me to stay healthy in recovery.  What better reason does anyone need?

So as the bubbling anxiety built and heartbreaking events occurred one after another I ate.  Well since that relapse I’ve had another child, also high risk near death fearful pregnancy on bed rest and insulin, the hormones once again caused a great deal of postpartum.  So again I ate.  If you know how scary it is to go to sleep and know your baby may be dead inside cause you can’t monitor every movement, it’s terrible!  So I comforted. The day I checked in to have my daughter my youngest I weighed 320 pounds, devasting!  After the cesarean a week later I weighed in at 270 pounds.  120 pounds more of myself since my first hospital stay, damn insulin and anti psychotics would fatten the smallest of people.  I know that being morbidly obese has traumatized me, it’s always been a deep installed fear to be a “slob”  there are firsts along the way that just hit home how heavy I was getting.  First time you experience chub chafe, this was so embarrassing. For me being weighed and dieted daily growing up one diet after another being beaten into my head how gross fat people are, your nasty voice arises and beats me down each first.  The first time you buy 2x clothing, it’s like you shopping for your gramma, it was painful.  All the clothing I had wouldn’t even come close to buttoning.  Why I kept going even though I saw obvious changes physically and mentally.  I feel I had no other choice if only I knew how hard the road to loosing weight and finding my body inside a suit.  Once I reconnected me to the body I had once again failed myself or so it felt.

Well I forced myself to take a step, this single step snow balled into a wonderful journey through myself to myself like I was so far from me it’s sad how sad I was yet in the greatest years of my life. Chemicals can do silly things.  Since that step I’ve completed many competitions and fundraiser while creating this new first time ever revealed me.   Each pound was like chiseling a figure out our stone as the fat fell off.  This is my best point so far in my life.  I’m at last able to sit alone and not taunted by flashes all the time.

I have wrote my stories though many sad this is true but outside these tails is a quirky woman arising.  These are my tales towards freedom.

i look in that oh so dark and hurtful mirror and can recognize the person looking at me, I’ve never seen this person before, it’s not who I was in the midst of the worst.  This is the woman that crawled out the sewer smiling.

Talk talk talk,

if you feel it then someone else does too, never alone.

recovery is earned not given.

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