Disabled

at this time in my life the kids are growing up a bit no more babies or illness related to it.  I’m finally stabilizing very nicely I feel safe inside medications re adjusted to help me and my emotions not so much uncertainty over my head.  I’m ready to possibly atain my Embalming  liscense for this part of the country.  I have come to terms with the word disabled, it’s a awful hard thing for me to except.  I was raised to work and never ask for hand outs.  It was preached to me by my father who has work hard labour and never ending days to just survive.  His back breaking work is admired I think the world of that characteristic in him.  My family see disability as a cop out a excuse to sit on your ass taking government hand outs.  If you can walk to the mailbox to get your cheque you can stock boxes at the store like a “retard” a horrible word but that’s my family very harsh, judgmental lovely people but not warm and fuzzy. I would use ignorant in the manner of not knowing any better per say.  These sayings and a dozen more were repeated almost preached daily.  From memory we got 2 pennies a stick of wood we carried into the cabins and houses each day on our family hunting & fishing business. We would haul wood in a wagon and pennies got counted as dropped into your pay jar, that grams cashed into money for store trips to buy whatever.  Treats, food, movie rentals whatever.  This was always referred to as going to work, earning your keep.  5 cents a cabbage moth, 5 buck to shovel the steps off, 10 bucks to mow the huge lawn and so on.  I agree with this completely and will do so for my children, teaches so much.  The moment I was diagnosed the topic of disability was mentioned but I refused and worked full time for 11 years I think despite struggling almost drowning at times.  Well I’m ready to start taking wee steps outside to return to society a bit by embalming.  I’m disabled, absolutely I accept this now years and years later.  My brain is not ever going to return to post children it can’t my disease has progressed my delays are greater I see it as do those who know me but see my family does not know me.  I moved away way too young and now would never return cause they love me now not knowing my daily struggles or weirdo behaviour.  I chose to stay away so they don’t talk about me, I hate that, judging with empty skull.  If one of they saw me in a episode they would have a ton of insults on hand I’d be outcast at first thought I’m sure.  They’d try to understand but I’d scare them.  I don’t want people to fear this side of me it’s low blood sugar in the brain  look at it like that. Being a disabled woman, mother is somehow linked to a trailer, meth teeth and fuzzy bunny slippers taking hand outs see what I’m saying.  Well it’s not that at all.  Now like I said at this time I’m ready to try and establish more confidence as returning to prior activities that feel like independence.  I reallly feel like I’ve lost so much independence, I’m literally a co dependent of my husband, me, that’s a jagged sword in the back to a woman who has worked since memory.   Reality is I’m sick.  Though it’s an invisible demon it’s no less real than a amputated arm just not obvious therefore can’t be right?.

I am in the middle of working towards such goal right now, a step towards independence, yay!  The Funeral Board is working with us and my health team to obtain my license here.  I’m so very excited about this!

There are many regulations that are set as requirements to obtain.  I’m unable to take regular testing now because of my fear of authority figures, just can’t do it.  This is real for me in smart and could easily pass this test, 5 years ago yes.  So together we are adjusting a few things to make a mentally disabled person like me be able to work again.  This is a achievement and a big step towards further recovery.

All these awesome cool things are happening for me.  The invisible girl

2 thoughts on “Disabled

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