Today I’m hurting.  These days come for no reason at all sometimes it’s simply a chemical complication like too much of one chemical or not enough. in this caldron a dash too much dopamine makes it bubble over.  not enough seratonine to the brew makes it ️lay flat.  The perfect combination is not possible here my brain is a horrendous Wicca chef.  A healthy brain maintains the perfect recipe with slight fluctuations that barely cause a blip.  It’s normal to be sad, happy, energetic and so on but for me being Rapid cycling day to day sometimes month to month can be way too low or way too high very little inbetween.  Today I woke up and my eyes peeled open burning in the light eyelids like sandpaper scratching.  It feels like someone took a baseball batt to every muscle while I slept, tenderized aching throbbing and so very stiff, it hurts to move and Tge pain makes touching my skin hurt.  Today it took me forever to get up I sat on the edge of the bed bringing movement slowly to be able to move, so tender so hungover i needed some relief last night I had a difficult anxiety spell the extra sedative to calm and relieve me now sits heavy in my muscles.  The mirror greets a battled me today but A warm shower to relax my back, coffee, music, often something for nausea and muscle relaxant with my morning dose of mood stabilizers sedatives, anti psychotics and anti depressants the breakfast of champions I say. Then I do the most uncomfortable few minutes of my yoga practice to further relieve my tension, depression is a hard battle and I’ll do this exact dance my whole life.

The deep down bone tired feeling feels heavy like I’m consciously lifting and moving myself it aches. I’m up here watching these adorable children of mine after completing my morning routines, very important to have a routine this has to be taken seriously.  From bedtime to sunrise the same.  My rule is up, dressed effort made towards my image, and right into kids breakfast and chores.  These days I may be slower and easily brought to tears but I make myself go.  This is where I have to do the work no medication is going to wash you, dress you or push you that all on me.  I feel personally being in hygenic, dirty, untidy and lazy are choices.  I choose to function it would be so easy to just sit around feeling sorry for myself absolutely! No work needed just sitting around feeling worse daily.  It’s giving into the disease or in many cases complaining about so many changeables.  I choose to push past the tears and pain and not activate that repeat cycle of self sorrow.  Up up and move its a rule don’t give in or give up on yourself.

Today all the pain sits just below the surface.

Today I say hello to my Skelton army.

today I’m Fighting

chin up buttercup

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s