Biggest mistake

there are things we all feel at times that leave you feeling guilty for even thinking it.  I remember after my first child I struggled with the baby blues and my dear son had colic it seemed he cried all day and night for 6 months.  I was alone raising him and at one point I remember having this mortifying feeling to throw him.  It made me feel horrendous and I still do but it’s the truth and really its exhaustion meets frustration mixed with hormones.  I can see these thoughts in my dads silent face.  I’m his biggest mistake, ️Biggest disappointment and worse of all I’m the reminder of the worst time on his life and all the mistakes he made.  I never say things about dad in a judgemental way how would I act living like he did and survived what he has? I don’t know so I don’t judge but all the same it makes me sad cause those dirty deep thoughts I only feel will never hear linger in my heart.  I’m a mistake. I know I make my dad feel sad and guilty ashamed but not at me well yes that too but he feels bad cause I’m all his bad choices.  The product of his biggest most painful failure.

The only person that does not know how much I love him, how much I want my dad how much I miss him is dad himself.  If he knew how much I want him to not look at me and hang his head cause I remind him of my mother.  ITs not my fault I really have only wanted a kind word not avoidance.  I can’t help all that tragedy and poor choices made under pressure.  I don’t care I really don’t care I just want someone to be there if my world falls apart, I want a parent.  It’s scary alone sometimes.  I don’t care about any of it I just want a grampa for my kids.  Your so good dad they would love you people do like you dad despite all the years of beat downs and being made fun of.  Id like to get to know you better cause I know my heart does not come from moms chest.  I’m told I’m like you Id like to meet that.  We never talk feelings it’s avoided and dismissed so i write you this letter.

Dear Dad,

Do you remember me at all? Was I a friendly kid? When did I walk?  What was my first word?  When did I get my first tooth dad?  Do you rennet me?  I remember you.  I remember every detail of your face, your mechanic hands and friendly face.  I remember our adventures, the hunting trips, gun shoots I always took the prize.  The dirt bikes and trucks. I remember working next to you in the garage getting tools watching you work and tinker I remember sitting on tire rims eating chips watching you work.  I remember going swimming and the canoe trips up and down the river.  I was by your side do you remember me?   The invisible girl.

dad Id never say this to you cause it would hurt your feelings but the way you feel about me now is really painful to hear.  I know I’m everything you dislike in the world but I had no idea how much you are ashamed.  I know now cause you told me so.  The truth serum at the end of the rye started a depressive moment of truth and confession.  That night I sat there and listened to you vent I really don’t think you knew I was your daughter.  you told me you loved Jaymie and that she’s the only chance you had to raise up a kid.  I get that I do.  You told me the truth I fear and I heard your opinion of me.  I knew it inside my heart but to hear it well that little girl fell to pieces.  Your ashamed.  You came to see me in the middle of the hardest time in my life.  Broke, cold, baby on hip one in my belly, brad lost his job we were in trouble and instead of offering any help you left my home and told everyone how low we were.  You told people of our crash and how cold my house was. I was trying to make the wood go further.  You told them how my home was a old dirty dump.  Yes but it’s out of a bachelor condo, a house in Toronto for a family is a big accomplishment.  You saw us at ground zero and judged us cruely, to our faces.  You told people I was dirty.  The house was yes I just moved in.  I took a shack and made a family home.  Kept my kids fed and happy.  Dad this was the most hurtful thing.  I was painted as a failure disappintment.  Did you mean what you said?

that visit a few years ago hurt my feelings so bad.  You could have helped us insulate and make repairs needed or lender a hand I was pregnant hanging insulation.  You should be proud of me.  I didn’t give up and come home.  We survived that.  Your embarassed of my struggles and that I’m mentally ill, you don’t believe in that.  It’s in my head, choose to be happy, yes I’ve heard it.  I’m your city living, crazy, addict who smokes pot and votes liberal.  I’m a weirdo as you say and I know we share no similar opinions but I still love your conservative, redneck, hillbilly, racist sexist self… I love you.  Am I invisible?

dad I just want a kind word.  I knhe I’m way outside your beliefs but I’m your daughter.  Dad i wish I was not invisible nor my children.  Please see them.

Love your biggest mistake

 

 

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