I had come home from college that winter break, christmas is always a very big deal in our family it’s grams favorite time of the year.  The tables are bursting with steamy handmade Christmas dinner, grams is a old fashion cook house sport cook, it’s just the greatest tasting stuff that’s horrible for you.  The bake goods and piled high in margarine containers, friendship cake, gumdrop cake oh geez it’s a real feast right down to our roast beast.  Grams and I always decorated the tree together it’s a perfect art she handed down to me.  See grams was born December 17th and was brought home in a sleigh bundled up Christmas Eve so each year to make her birthday special the family tree was a gift to her and she decorated it annually.  There’s something special about trimming a tree and visiting ornaments of years past, held and enjoyed by your grandma, great grandma it’s special.  We never did much for gifts in our family we did things together and well constantly ate till bending over in the shower turned into barfing up hamburgers.  We make homemade ice cream lugging ice up from the creek.  Nothing tastes better.  The fish pond was frozen with twinkle lights around it.  Grams played dolly patrons Christmas music for weeks.  These things are what last not a gift unless special.  My mother on the other hand would spend thousand and stack parcels to the ceiling, dad was stressed cause he could not afford it and they ripped and roared over that constantly.

Anywho,, that christmas I came to stay up river with grams and bake, laugh and drink a whole lot of coffee, the visitors never stopped at grams she and Joe are just good friendly people. I had been partying hard at this point I was in full mania and addiction was out of control, several overdoses, alcohol poisoning weekly i was a bag of bones fuelled by vices.  Grams never judged she just stayed there making you feel safe.  At the end of each day it always felt like we left home to go to bed next door under our roof.  The biggest rule of that is I was to never, ever say a thing about what happened in our house.  Fear was enough to do just this so I said little growing up I never knew where a land mine may be.  That glare that raged glare from across the room made my tummy ache, I knew I had said something and going home was going to be hard.  This year I came home and had to stay sober this caused me to be pretty on edge.

I found some of moms morphine and had taken a bunch to just sleep.  Mother found out that I had taken her morning fix therefore I pissed her right off.  She was in that raging state of anxiety that she had no more to eat.  I remember taking her screaming and crying tearing the drawers open the cupboards, complete meltdown.  I came into the kitchen I heard the ice machine dump it’s tray as I got a glass of water. She came into the kitchen grabbed my hair and pulled me backwards onto the island.  She then began slapping me, pushing me into the counter, I had my hands up blocking your tantrum its not a unfamiliar thing we all are familiar with her wasp like attacks. As your ring caught my lips I felt it split.  Without thought I had enough.  I grabbed the closest thing I could reach and with great force I slammed it upside your head.  I saw you fall sideways and a spray of white splattered all over.  When you hit the floor I lost it, just enough is enough.  I proceeded to pound on you, it was a bundle of bananas I held and I beat those bananas into banana bread mix while pounding on you. Dad came running into the house and picked me off of you.  You were unconscious and I hoped dead, I was so mad and done with the constant pain.  I packed up and had father take me to the bus station.  I stayed in a hotel in Quebec for a few days and returned to school.

Absolutely bananas

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