I left home as soon as possible even if my first step out was as a pet to a town saint by profession, It was a way out of a  credibly dysfunctional and hostile to the point of fist fights daily, knives being thrown just violent and so verbally destroying envirent that Id rather be gagged, choked and fucked till my inner legs were black than to take another beat down that was eventually going to take my life.  Honestly Id make the same choice today.  I’ve never once since leaving asked for any help, none.  I was offered 10 grand from my mother for college and that gift was revoked when she up and left in the middle of the night, literaly so much drama.  The bank debt was in Fathers name and that’s all I heard of still do how he paid for a piece of my education that I don’t even practice cause I sit around while my husband works.   That burned me and I’ll never ask ever again.  Not that I asked.  My family for whatever reason seem to always apeak to eachother so rudely and its normal  or is it just ignorance.  I’ve sold every possession I owned to pay rent even though some of those objects really meant a lot to me.

My husband and I have always managed to solve any problem even if we broke a few rules along the way.  For example putting empty envelopes in bank machines for gas to get to work and food.  We made 15 thousand in total our first year away from home, we survived I still don’t know how.  Washing out clothing in the sink, rats,  so gross not to mention how horrible our basement apartment was, never lived in a basement again.  I remember asking to close up the funeral home at day’s end so we could find change in the sofas could always find enough for some tasty roman noodles.  These memories are so special to me now cause it reminds me of how good we get through hard stuff and the neat thing is we don’t fight.  We are certainly no strangers to worry or struggle that’s for certain.  Still it’s all memories in the end.

the hardest of times for us was a spell of misfortune, sickness and loss that started with us moving here to ontario, for the intentions of getting my mother help and working past her issues to recovery.  It never happened and it ripped the savings away from us.  We both had fantastic jobs in Calgary, really making a good salary each single, no children, no responsibilities we were young, having a lot of fun and enjoying a high paced social city life both professionally active and personally social always out dropping cash.  We had decided to make a few big moves like financing cars and a condo we did everything right on the way to someday being comfortable.  It’s so foolish that we we’d  assume we would resume our life here, I’m glad now we are here but boys it was the end of our uphill walk.  The move here was horribly stressful for me and within no time of arriving here I was going into a episode all triggered just by being around you, you were that damn powerful that need for a mothers love.  This episode came very quickly I relapsed and drank myself unconscious that night.  I was alone for hours cutting myself in that tub crying chasing morphine down with vodka.  I gave it all away to sweep in magically and save my mother.  The relapse was short I needed some medical attention and this is were my contact with CAMH (Centre for addiction and mental health) comes in, my psychiatric support team that helped me during that lapse.  I was unable to work I was way off for some time and working full time was impossible.  This lead to really having one income, the remaining of our savings was dwindling.  I then amazingly got pregnant i was never suppose to be able to have children, great surprise.  Our awesome pregnancy turned severly high risk and I had to give up work on bed rest for a year, no income, no maternity.  Bad situation.   my husband took a higher paying job that turned out to be a nightmare that ended in him being fired right after we found a house to live in, a real fixer upper I mean a dump but we could afford it.  I figured elbow grease and a woman’s live could make the old cottage a decent home, I did.  Right after being fired and no jobs available that winter the city oddly sat still for jobs no openings, so weird.  It was 6 months and that was the end of our savings, cashed in bonds all of it gone.  We had to surrender our vehicles that was a humbling experience meeting a bail officer.  They drove our car right past the neighbours as we stood in the driveway very humiliating.

There was no way I could ask for help.  We had no money and had to seek out local programs to help us get past this terrifying experience.  We had no wood for the fires and had to resort to stealing wood, don’t judge. The local food bank program was a god blessing and as my husband did odd jobs here and there waiting for a position to open up I got pregnant again so never say never cause my never happened twice.  Once again bed rest, no maternity and two children.  We had no choice but declare bankruptcy not that we had anything left just a whole lot of debt.  This exact moment was the most humbling humiliating embarassing moment in our lives.  Instead of helping like normal families do we got judged yet no one knew what’s or whys of our life. We did our best when it all came crashing down yet in the greatest ways possible our personal life and children never got sacrificed. Husband got a fantastic job and slowly we have crawled out of the black hole of bankruptcy and pure poverty.

And now as I write this it too becomes a memory ☀️




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