IM in the midst of a huge achievement right now and it’s about time to complete this. I’m a representive for mental health for our cities Amazing Psychiatric hospital, the largest in Canada. I have been under a few hospitals along my adventures and this one is absolutely leading. Id do anything for this cause just ran a marathon and now I’m doing The O Course to represent people like myself and our families who love past our diseases. I’ve been training for 17 days straight and I’m hoping to complete 30% of this extreme military marine training course. I’m so out of my comfort zone here but I’m going to do this as best and at least have a good time. Won’t have any stories for my grand children if I don’t do anything. I’ve lost 85lbs in a year & a half, right after my daughters birth I decided that I’m too young and important to two youngsters to live so unhappily so I commited to transforming myself to who I am now and by doing so I’m gaining so much strength. I had a Bipolar/schitzo episode that was triggered by finally ending any & all contact from you for my families sake. I have relapsed a few times when my moods get out of control because of a trigger, the first response is to jump off the wagon and submerge myself into that blackness inside. I had you to my lips, I craved the numbness just make it stop. This episode wad different because I had a beautiful baby boy that needed me. So to comfort my broken heart and rapid cycling emotions I ate, I ate to just soothe myself, hide from people in a fat suit, a sad armour made by bite after bite of emotional tears. I had no other thing that I could do. That year I ate myself to nearly 300 pounds, so sad. I returned to that sad head down lonely weird little girl holding secrets. Your too powerful to even know what s sin.
I Walked into a yoga and training studio this sad lonely empty weirdo who was desperate to just feel again, lost not certain I could fight harder. In this last year and a bit I’ve pushed myself to places I’ve never been physically and emotionally its been this massive freeing growing process. I’ve spun my ass off, learned the basics of practicing yoga and lifted far too many weights, I actually did this. As I have shed that blubber I have thought of so much and healed in metatative movement.
What’s been incredible is that as I push I grieve and release such pain, I’m healing while changing into the woman I am today not the child. My psychiatrist had recommended that I have a funeral so I could get closure, not a real one but to put letters, notes, objects and anything else I wish into a box and somehow in my way say goodbye, I had no casket, no urn no headstone to cry at or hit I got no closure. This obstacle course to me is how I’m gonna bury you in my heart. No box of letters they are here and I will write as I need. These stories are apart of me and will never go away but I can visit them, acknowledge it and accept its unchangesble I have to, I’m worth it. As I grow in strength I set your power free.
I will carry my story on my shoulders, my journey in my heart and every single person who has shared their story and trusted me enough to allow me to be apart if it. I’m gonna lay it out, unleash myself and fight for a kinder future for us who walk between the rows