ive dreamed of having a relationship with my Father that was closer, more like a normal rejationship.  I Can see myself driving up and down the dirt goat trails we called roads with dad, I remember going trucking and being tossed all around the truck and hiding behind The seat so you could smuggle me into the pulp and paper mills.  I remember with such warmth hanging out by yours and your brothers side day after day working on cars, trucks, whatever project you guys cooked up.  I loved being your sidekick.  Going swimming on your back as you pretended to be a crocodile. Your so funny dad.  I was so much a daddy’s girl, tomboy by nature you always said don’t let nothing stop Ya.  Then one day it was over… Just done yku emotionally shut down and never came back.  I lost you that day, I still beg for your attention but it’s as if its not able to be normal.  Because of you.

i remember waking up that summer morning I was wearing my absolute favorite pink silk pjs so 90’s. I could here them screaming it was hostile I stood at the top of the grey carpet steps and watched my dad run out that door in tears like Id never heard him cry not have I since.  I could here my mom having a emotional explosion with her it was way out of control just pure chaos could erupt over nothing but today it seemed she was completely insane.  She ran up the stairs those damn brackets tinkling and grabbed me by my shoulders pushing me down, she stood over me screaming over and over he molested you!!’ He molested you!!! My sister began screaming from her room as she continued on in this horrifying display. You screamed that you’d take us back to foster care, you didn’t want us and we’d be safe.  We were taken just a few years before while you were locked away for awhile to recieve emotional help.  We were placed in ontario without my family knowing to protect us, you had accused dad of horrible crimes.  He and Grams fought to find us, clear a this mess up and after several court meetings dad got to bring us home.  With marriage counselling and visits from the mental health nurse they decided to try for our sakes.  Mom promised to take her meds.  She never took a single dose.  Dad was very young and at the first removal young and volnerable.  No one ever thinks of a man being victimized by his wife but it happens and though my dads stature is large he’s soft inside:  I remember mom hitting dad to the floor often using objects near.  I remember the none stop insults and rudeness pure degrading of every part of him.  He felt that now she had help and resources in place that this would be up hill.  Dad took a job that paid more but meant he would be beating up and down those rough roads a lot more.  When dad was home mom was on her best.. Cooking, taking care of us packing lunches like Betty Crocker.  They fought none stop and as that intensified the more invisible we became. Dad would leave and like a switch shed flip and all that anger was because of us.

You screamed that day dad walked away and scared me so bad by saying things like dad would hurt us, stay awY, keep your legs away from him while driving, sit next to the door far away.  Don’t talk he could make a move at any time.  You made my father into a monster that day like a big bad wolf that would pounce at any time.  Dad was gone he was home but never talked, no more trips, snowman, snow shoeing no fishing or silliness.. Gone.  He would come to events and stand in the back.  This was cruel, you took my dad away.

yku took his children away!!

You broke us all in every way.  Dad would never do such a thing we knew it but second guessed it every trip to town in silence was against the door while dad ignored my presence.  Silence.  Can’t be forgiven for things like that.

i love my dad I miss him everyday.


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