The invisible Girl

imageYou attempted to make contact last night.  My email was full I see you have a new address, very smart way around my security.   I read the emails, I can’t seem to stop myself I know it’s not gonna be good and that my chest will ache in agony, it physically hurts being a motherless mother of a living dead person eaten by their mind and addiction.  I have this must to read, it always makes me feel physically sick as though I’m about to puke when I see your name.   I’m surprised you breached the police request, this tells me right away your high on brain numbers I’m guessing patches still.  I know I should stand my ground and call the station and move forward, it’s my right yet my heart says to just let this slide. When you have a bit of clarity I hope you assume no contact I really really don’t want to call please don’t back me into that corner please I will stand my ground I’m stronger now.  Please don’t.  This is the first time ever I did not fall into the desperate state of pain and hurt and hatred I feel numb now.  That’s sad.

I have been processing this all day, I’ll never contact you, never I’ve been to hell and back damn near destroyed myself many times because of you.  When I said goodbye I meant it.  Your not there the idea of is false hope your gone. Just a sick depressed begging shell of a person it’s heartbreaking.  You wrote me another suicide note.  I felt nothing reading it, that is heartless, if I kept every note, threat and prank Id have a photo album of insanity and manipulation.  I was just a kid the first time you left that scary note on the table and disappeard for a whole day.   We all frsntically searched for you, assuming the worst. It was awful come to find out you were in one of our sporting camps hiding, perfectly fine and you could hear us, your small children screaming in fear.   You overdosed on Ativan when I got accepted to college, I nearly never left just to take care of your instability.  Such a sick game.  You tried to hang yourself in the bathroom and as always blaming me as I chose to leave the man you have me too as a blowup doll.  This common game of im a mess because of you and your evilness, look at me, chose me your mine head games.  I remember you calling me in tears on my wedding day, you tricked them to talk to me.  You again threatened self harm.  It’s been 2 years since the last game.  This to me is a normal round about game to puppet me, it didn’t work.

I woke up this morning and I thought did she actually go through with it?  Could she? yes but out of all the threats your still here.  This may sound sick but it’s the honest truth.  I sometimes wish your physical self would go to rest.  I often creepishly hope you’d finally go.  You are tortured and it’s never going to change, you deserve peace too.  Your life is not living you are terminal with only self euthenasia is available, titled suicide it’s not, it’s finally surrendering.  I’m a monster but it’s true.

Im invisible.

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