Toilet of dreams


My womb has held many timy heartbeats the feeling of instant dreams for me once I knew your life was there you had names and I loved you instantly.  Each child of mine was always held tight by my arms, always holding my tummy as to protect you, keep you safe later days I just hoped you stayed. To experience a miscarriage it’s just not spoke of, a agonizing painful heartbreaking experience a woman’s heart aches alone.  All alone just the private grief and silent tears to remember a life that does not matter enough to be spoke of. I’ve never spoke of this moment before yet Im reminded of it every time I bleed.

We were living in Calgary the city of chinooks, the prairies truly are a bare flat land of beauty, pump jacks and cattle fill the nights are.  We just moved into the super cute two bedroom apt in a very good neighbourhood located five minutes from my job and ten from my husband, perfect situation at the time.  I had a wonderful position at a local funeral home I was excelling very quickly by the time I was 23 I a young woman was running a large city morgue, all by myself I did all the embalming and ran the retort or crematorium.  A regular day for me was two embalmings two cremations including the processing(grinding of bones) to place in a urn.  I was teaching embalming practical and exams for the province to license graduated from the program.  I taught students the techniques and principals of Embaling the human body from death to casket or urn.  I usually had a student by my side. I was well known quickly and I was happy.  We worked flat out my husband was also running another large city morgue and teaching so we saw eachother all the time.  We are that obnoxiously in love couple who can’t be apart long. Everything was going alone in a perfect routine as death care professionals which means no schedule long days and physical labour.  I started to feel very tired one summer so tired took very little to play me out.  I figured it was the very big hit flash in the city that summer who likes being dressed to the max in a open hot cemetery? No one.  Just to make sure I always took a pregnancy test to check just incase I had to remove myself from m position the embalming and preservation chemicals could cause deformities to the fetus.  I peed on the stick stood in the mirror getting ready for work not expecting anything as the doctor said we had little chance of children.  I remember turning over the stick and seeing the blue faded happy face.  My first reaction was to grab my tummy and cry.  This instant warm feeling grows from the inside out its a very wonderful experiencing. I loved you at first thought.  The week was so very busy one of the death booms the occur thourought the year.  I decided to not say anything  until I saw the doctor.  With work being so chaotic I had to wait.  A few weeks go by I felt great I had a free few hours one afternoon ran over to the walk in and confirmed I was indeed pregnant and over three months.  I walked out that clinic a different person like my path changed instantly I was about to be a mother.  Was Tge baby a boy or a girl?  Blonde or brunette? Blue eyes or green, Silas or Jillian?  Time to start a nursery.

i did not tell my husband yet I was waiting for a day off to do something special as a way to tell him the impossible happened.  I woke up with a sharp stabbing pain in my back into my hips, sat up bent over in a locking spasm with sweat pouring down my face, something was wrong!  I slowly walked to the bathroom I could feel warm thick fluid running down my legs.  I sat on the toilet trying not to scream in agony one sharp cramp after another. I put my hands between my legs I felt the blood my hand was chrimson I knew you were gone.  As the pain increased I felt faint as though I was about to pass out, the force inside said to push, I pushed I pushed from deep and then came that sickening plop in the water under my bum.  The fear of getting up and looking made me want to throw up.  There infront of me in a blood filled toilet you laid, so tiny so lifeless.  I stared at you for what felt like forever your skin was transparent your fingers just lines in a wee fist, tiny little head round pot belly.  I picked you up scoop your fragile deflated forming body up you seemed so small in the palm of my hand.  I sat there on that cold tile floor most the night just holding you in my hand crying, you though barely life were very wanted.

I used a q tip box lined with cotton balls to place you in.  I slid the box closed and a small part of my heart stayed right there with you timy one.  I did not have a yard to lay you down but we lived near a beautiful parkette I walked you over and under a lilac tree I burried you.  The walk home took forever in the dawn of morning.  I got home and prepared for work, to act as though this night never happened.  A secret a woman’s heart holds.

know sweet dream that I held you, felt your skin on mine.  Know that I loved you and dreamed of your fave. Know that I hold your essence within me always.  You are a part of me broken dream.


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