I’m a Monster

imageEver hold something so locked up the fear and shame like chains wrapped around a lead vault, never to speak of it as long as I done take a look I can pretend.  That kinda secret and feeling is powerful. Acknowledging it confirms the reality and hiding it will be a continuous beat down by its poison.  Until recent years after a lifetime of therapy like layers of a onion I’ve reopened visited and put away some big things and from this hard work I do everyday I reached a point to confess my heart.

Ive said many a time that there seemed to be days that go by that no one was around, completely alone yet by the law a adult was technically in the home though passed out locked in their room they are there.  I was approximately 7 years old and it was very common for local children to pop in and visit and returned no doors unlocked come in in.  Another child a bit younger had a broken home as well we stayed close see some things only those who have felt it can understand.  She spent a great deal of time at my home it was fun no parents to reign over our adventures.

Oh this is some big rekease of a horid massive shame I’ve carried.  It’s time, turn this page ok..

this day we were all playing outside she and I prefered the teeter totter just up and down in the sun warming the spirit.  The cloud darken and begin to droop heavily with grey bellies rumbling.  Crack of light and the sky opened a thick rain.  We all ran in different directions she and I ran down into the basement, only practical to assume we may be sucked into Oz. The world was weaping and we soaked made a tent lit a candle and began to weather the storm.  I know now that it’s naturalnfor children to be curious and explore the anatomical structure of others. Ok.  We curiously kissed, and giggled, as the evening passed we shared the news of eachothers forms.  The touches became intense we though children had a twisted encounter we had sex, and that’s haunting. We did this for hours and she kept insisting I now wonder if she too had that guilt hole inside that hole put there by a monster just like me.  Innocent show me mine I’ll show you mine turned into a reenactment of filth we had seen and experienced, can’t bevwrong if it’s ok for others to do it to you right?    I should have known better but I didn’t it’s wrong and feel disgusting to say I did that.  I felt for ever that i molested her, I was defective I was older what’s wrong with me.  If I could be like this as a young girl I must be a monster.  I’m a monster no excuses.  I did it.  Monster.

i look back back on that day and those actions now have been explained and I have gained the ability to let go of this.  I was acting out the actions I had been experiencing.  To me at this time what was happening down the road was normal.  This very day is so sad to see in my memory to  my long lost friend Im so very sorry.



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