Always on my mind

imageEvery single day I think of you mum. Every happy moment there’s a flash of pain like a spoiled piece of my heart a rotten hole that leaves a undertone of sadness beneath all that wonderful in life.  I wash my children every night we have the greatest of routines I have no rules or expectations of these little humans just be kids, be innocent and laugh.  I love this part of my daily life there’s just such love and in the middle of making bubbles and the giggles I’m reminded of how I don’t remember any baths, laughs or giggles.  I only have one memory I hold close of having a shower with my little sister in my grams purple tub downstairs.  The glass doors slid so easily and we played as though we were in a waterfall I remember her squeals as grams opened and closed the door always simply saying “Booo!” I can tell your very detail of that moment I hold the soap was Irish springs the old bars, the soap above to the right was head and shoulders the details in happy memories for me are so vivid I’m there and I’m happy.  Why is it the hard and bad moments are broken into time spaced flashed, glimpses from above?  Thoughts like this stab my heart and burn and pass as quick as it came, there is no time in a flash it’s just a moment replaced a wink and I continue the rest.

I heard a jingle the other day while out for a walk I turned around to see a woman’s imagine in the sun burning my eyes.. Jingle,, I stopped that chill freezes time that jingle of your cooper bracelets.  The jingle that echoed up those steep steps up the stairwell as you angerly ran up the stairs if I cried too loudly in bed.  I remember crying into my pillow to not upset you, cry it out to some means a day of no acknowledgment at all, silence tgats really hard feeling your invisible. you didn’t speak to me for a week for only cleaning the middle of the room as you always said.  I was a dirty fucking half ass slob, the filth the sticky gross hands, snot faces those gross scowl faces you hated, nothing was ever good enough.  Those bracelets scared me I know the sting and sharpness of them hitting my teeth from those backhands, that jingle as you ran into our rooms slapping us frsntically, I hid under the covers to escape the sting and hot welts tthe burning handprints, because my cry of loneliness and prayers to the God I heard could help.  That woman’s jingle left me in sweat heart pounding as I stopped in my tracks coward and waited her to pass, it wasn’t you.

im scared of you.  I’m scared to go out because you’ve stalked me in so many ways.  I’m affraid you will attacke, hurt me.  I’m affraid to go to my own mailbox, those envelopes of the kids Christmas cards cut up, my diploma all burned, a photo album of Tge onjybfre pictures that remained after the two fires, those ever so cherished pictures you cut my face out of them all!  Why?  You had the only copies of my labour and videos of my delivery with my son.  I have only one picture.  You deleted it, it’s gone just like my birth, gone.   You threatened me so many times in actually scared, I pretend to be strong yet I jump back at every bang my heads always looking behind me.  You told me you were going to contact a contract killer to make me disappear, a favour to the world you wrote.  Days later a large church was holding a prayer service for me… A prayer service to save my soul.  You told them I was possessed and evil, that’s so odd.  I in my heart know you are capable of harming not only yourself but others in my natsasidtic fits of grandiose insanity hyped up on every over the counter high cocktail to spruce up the yummy pain pills.  Your dangerous, this is fact.  I often dream of you shooting me, just bang and the last image I see is your satisfied face.  I dtram your in the bushes watching me, I’ve been outside at night and ran inside at the snap of a twig.  Honest fear.  Would you kill me?  Are you capable of it?  Yes, and I fe guilty to say that inthink you’ve tried before.

 

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