As you can imagine having such a serious mental disease has many down sides. The moments of insanity, the symptoms and pain, the voices the visions the missions the emotional torture reminded daily of the agony by flashbacks that set me into soothing rituals that I frsntically don’t I not fall to pieces, this disease is something Id never wish on the devil himself. We hear terms all over the media that are freighting and those mugshots with highlights of Bi polar, schitsophrenic psychotic these terrifying words running under monsters faces. I’m a monster, I’m youR biggest fear,my mind is the unpredictable are you ever safe? could I become that face spread all over the news? I don’t know, I would never myself yet the scariest thing is I don’t know what the demons inside are capable of. All these negative thoughts and the statistics are scarey to all imagine being the one living with it. It’s exhausting.
all these emotions set aside I can say that not everything about my disease is fire and bimestone I have many traits that I like even thankful for. Because I have seen and experienced things most will never know I’ve developed a great insights on life I know what catatonic depression is and euphoric happiness and along these ups and downs I’ve learned just what I’m made of, what I believe and my personality under such pressure. I know who I am, even in Un sadatable psychosis I’ve never hurt anyone but myself. Over the years of coming to acceptance towards a life of uncertainty Ive discovered I’m a good person, flawed but good. Here’s a few things I love about being me.
I feel more. I’m in tune with everything around me, I know who’s upset, who’s lying who’s pretending I can spot a Villan in a room of saints. I feel not only in my heart but with my whole body. I can feel warmth from a good person on my skin and I’ll shiver a cold chill if a bad person is near. I can look into someones eyes and know things others can’t see. I feel for everything around me the wee creatures on 8 legs to grand beasts I see them, the real them what’s inside. I can feel hate and anger in someone’s heart I can see past their defenses and see the pain. I feel everything it’s overwhelming at times to process all these feelings in particular in a crowd. Id have it no other way now.
I create. I have a non stop need a obligation to always express myself, though private I’m always writing, drawing, painting, doodling you name it I’m doing it. My imagination has inhanced everything in my daily life. My children love to create with me, this trait really works arts and crafts here always get way out of control in the best of ways, may they know no limitations on their minds either. I can escape reality within myself a happy place of my own making the mind. I love this.
Im humble. I know what having no rights or power feels like, I know what rock bottom is to the full extent, reality is I’ll lay in that place again so every single good day is appreciated. I can enjoy the simplest of things they are not promised to me everyday. I appreciate this humbling side of myself I’m always reminded that some things are bigger than me. I’m humble I’ve had everything, lost everything over and over this has taught me that no emotional comfort comes from any object on this planet, yes beautiful and cherished but not promised. I’m humble I’m last to judge where I’m the one who’s been judged. I’ve had a jury of my peers determine I do not belong I know this, I’m humble and grateful for each person who loves beyond my disease. I want for no object I only humbly ask for a good day.
My heart is pure, I’m thankful for this trait the most. I have reacted out of frustration rather than logic but my heart has the best of intentions. I don’t wish negativity on anyone, I know that cloud too well so when I can make a difference I do, I’ve ate lunch with a unfortunate one on the street corner, I’ve held natures critters in my arms as they left our world to only offer comfort. I’ve fought for the underdog and I’ve battled real monsters for what’s right. I will always react with my heart.
Heart on my sleeve.