How can it

imageI speaking as a sexual abuse victim one in 3 woman have a story of power being taken.  I don’t speak as all woman where i don’t know your most difficult conflicting emotions.  I speak from my experiences only I was in recent years able to understand that these feelings in victims are common.

I can’t remember all the details to my experience of being molested at times I understand tgat my mind walled off the experience, you leave yourself in order to survive with no power, no rights your a child.  I had allergies as a kid I think I’m allergic to the world cause every enviromental element makes me a booger face.  I had a fever so it was a sick day for me.  A sick day is not a option for working families so I needed a place to stay.  I took the bus down to my sitters home got off and the bus continued to school.  I walked up the narrow snowy steps and with mitten softly knocked on that familiar dirty dog scratched door.  As I walked in that fermented stench of alcohol mixed in stale cigarettes butts that overflowed on every table.  I took off my coat and sat in the couch.  The dragons and folklore imagery always scares me fe cause of that house.  I didn’t see my sitter he told me they had gone to town I was to stay with him for a few hours.  Knees clenched arms wrapped around myself I just sat there and waited for his mind to morally decide if it was ok.  He sat next to me turning the television up he leans forward and twists a cigarette out it only snoothered in the pile of butts and slowly smouldered that burning smell of filters.  I watch the smoke thicken the room.  He forcefully opened my knees rubbing my leg, those rough oil stained hands scratched. I remember very detailed exploration he needed to see what he was doing, his breathe increased and he took great pleasure that was obvious.  This day that’s all that happened it lasted for a  very long, very awkward play session.

To this day I feel disgusted in myself and found verification that I was deserving.  My body anatomically chemically betrayed me, I was sick!  As he explored I became aroused, in a very emotionally devestating betrayal I liked it.  I felt good physically yet I was molested.  How can Thar be.  Those moments he used me for twisted fantasies I could not help but at times feel good.  This haunts me!  Internal conflict is to say the least.

My visits to this house were not infrequent it became very regular learning sessions on the exploration of sex.  I knew there was absolutely nothing a child could do to escape no one belived a kid.   It was be normal if my parent placed me in his care so often.  Each session involved learning his desires and pleasures, how to please him physically and mentally.  He watched and instructed.  There’s a look on a molesters face that is so incredibly disturbing it’s never seen by adults it’s this look of ultimate power.  Ultimate pleasure they are not all violent my instructor was gentle almost felt loving as hard as that is to say or admit.  They indulge like a addict feeding their vice. I always felt so disgusting by him faces and actions of pleasure.  He drooled as he got excited, he swear from doing nothing but watching, facial twitches and teeth sucking air back, so gross.  I’m glad I can’t remember it all but what I do see in my nightmares and flashbacks is more than enough to live with.

Im still bating with all those feelings there will always be good days of no reninders or feelings days of calm.  Then there are days that my skeletons run out and I dance in hell transported in time to that very place and that very feeling.  It’s so hard to not know when this will happen.  Contrary to common advice you don’t just get over this, or move on when this happens to a child tfe moment you become a victim to a monsters desires it becomes a part of you.  It takes a part of you away Tgat can’t be replaced that is something no one should be expected to just forget to make you more comfortable.  You can take the power back one day at a time, one goal and a lot of courage is needed and it shakes your core to talk, talk.

I Am Not Yours!

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