Last straw

imageI know I’m a woman of great compassion and forgiveness I know this cause I still love beyond agony and agony is exactly what loving a addict is like.  an addict is the most selfish of diseases, is it the person or the disease?  I feel it’s the person hiding behind a conscious choice to numb themselves this need being greater and anything else even themselves.  I know what it’s like to cry into coke and snort between the sobs each time was a choice.  Over time it eats you, you become a addict not a person, yet the choice is there.  When your slow suicide becomes a danger it’s time to chose something different that can only be done by you.

My newborn beautiful little boy was a week old and we had just got home exhausted we had spent almost a week with our boy in the NICU he was jaundice, premature, difficult delivery and a diabetic gestation baby with high mucous production.  To stand outside a incubator watching your baby breath and twitch full of wires beeping is a feeling no parent should know.  I spent days in there a room with hundreds of tiny babies starting into the world fighting, I still see the rows of babies with parents staring at their babies helpless.  We had not slept in days the pregnancy was horribly high risk we almost lost him a few times.  I was on pelvic bed rest for five months, insulin injections all day into my baby bump all black and blue.  I was failing by the day but my body was not letting that littke boy go.   My hearts was overworked my diabetes dangerouslyvhigh and kidneys In early failure I was weak going into motherhood.  Our delivery took days I was in full contractions for forty hours in a room with a addict in nasty withdrawl even though we said no you still forced in on our day.  I ended up having a emergency cesarean that I almost lost my life on that table.  I needed you to help me.  I was alone while my husband worked suffering greatly with my emotional state after pregnancy people like myself really take time to recover.  I’m not too sure why I expected help maybe it was the hormones.  You left me sitting by an incubator in tears cause you needed your fix the pharmacy closed soon.  Then you come to my wee downtown apartment and the scene and show you put on was shameful.  It was the last time Id ever see you.

Within hours you began to binge eat, a whole ten pound fruit cake was staining Tge snow in the back yard.  You puked the whole yard full, then the expensive black liquorice choking it down running outside and on and  and on.  You sat infront of me and injected pregnancy hormones into your thighs to loose weight then chased the pain meds down with the NyQuil.  I needed help and tgere I was you passed out stagegering falling crying it was so stressful.  Then enough was enough.

I pulled down the blankets for a nap our boy had not been sleeping not had we and I was healing slowly.  Baby was finally at peace we snuggled up and I fell asleep holding my little man.  I woke up as the baby moved a mother never fully sleeps when did the fan was blowing a odd smell that made me sit up it was hard to place I was so tired.  I got up and looked around, you were gone I figured you had gone for a coffee up the street.  As I walk into the old mirrored kitchen the smell was strong enough to taste.  I then saw it, I felt the shiver of fear come over me, the gas was on with no fkame it was barely the gas alarm was not there I had unplugged it earlier to use the outlet to vacuum.  As I turned the dials off and quickly opened the windows I run grab my baby and stand outside in the New Years snow,  your train was coming the next morning I knew I was done.   I could never free myself for myself but when it came to my child I was done.  When I confeonted you and gave the only options rehab and help or nothing our relationship was over.  You chose those fucking pills over us, your daughter and grand child.

Your actions that day could have taken my sons life and mine!  If I didn’t wake up……

Final straw

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