Learning to Feel Again

imageI remember the joys of childhood, the free floating mysterious world growing in treasures and it’s yours to discover, isn’t living really a treasure hunt of menories? We happily organize our giggles on our keepsake wall in our hearts.  I remember that feeling of flying so high into the clouds feet first skirt fluttering and the tummy flip as you fall back in a freeing fall surrender, those exact peaceful feelings as the sun illuminates your smile, that blank mind, that relaxed state.  That’s happiness.

When did these feelings stop?  Was it a sudden change or did the smiles fade slowly?  At some point along the way we all learn to survive rather than truly live.  As I aged and life dealt it’s cards I know my heart built a wall and my mind a safe place inside to escape that which a defensless child hides from the boogeyman.  almost disasociate from the now, process survive and move forward. Feeling hurts so a robotic stance in life is sunblock to the Devils flames.

in recent years I’m finding things inside me I never knew I had.  That rush of instant overtaking unconditional love of seeing your child’s face for the first time, so powerful so real so unexpected.  I felt all new feeling and the ones of distant memory began to come to life again.  That first smile on their chubby faces, that smile that lights up those perfect faces when they see me, me, it’s wonderful and catches my chest still.  The opening of your heart fully to another person and finally in return they love you, see the ugly and disturbed yet look past the dragons of my mind holding my happiness within a tower of embarrassment and personal shame.  That’s a moment I first felt far too late in life, so lonely for so long and if I try to run to that tower I know the one I love will be there blocking the door, that’s comfort.  The dance parties foolishly singing to David Bowie laughing at eachother, that feeling is warm.  These new friendships that are growing because I’m allowing it too rather than hiding,?the feeling of acceptance is something I’ve craved and desired my whole life.  It’s shamrful how I’ve hidden from so many and it turns out people don’t hate me, this is something that cures a ache I can’t explain.  I’ve wanted real friends, real bonds and this feeling is like a giggle in my soul.  The simplest of things like seeing life through new eyes.  every good day is filled with learning to feel a over.

may life continue to reveal and unfold for me full of many more feelings

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