Raised enemies

imageThe sight of my younger sisters name stops me in my tracks as I feel instantly sick and heart throbbing in sorrow. I miss the idea of having a sibling yet accept and respect that your angry.  I’m angry I’m bitter at times about not knowing you.  I hate her for raising us to hate eachother.  I miss you the memories of playing innocently before Un natural brain washing began.

How could a mother use two little girls as personal weapons rewarded with her affections.  As a child we need our mothers and when you have a chance to feel love even if not real and for such a short time I would have done anything, I did.  how could anyone deny their children any love from anyone.  This is so sad, it hurts my heart at the thought of my children intentionally causing eachother emotional distress, I coukdnt imagine them not knowing eachother, after I’m gone I take comfort in knowing they the greatest parts of me will be together, as siblings and our family will only grow, my family.  Watching my sweet children play and laugh, cry and cuddle, fight and hug share and take I see just how natural it is to need your sibling.  How does a person break that blood bond?

The christmas I opened up my presents with amazement I got the full collection of special edition carnies in those big fancy boxes.  I was hopping happy and proud, what young girl wouldn’t be joyous?  As I loOked at you I could see the sadness, shock and sheer hurt on your young face.  You opened small box after small box of 3 dollar hollow no name dollar store baarbies.  I know you hate me for this memory, I’m so sorry.

I remember that day she took us to town to get school clothing we both ran into Greers grabbing all that caught our eyes heading to the change room to model.  We laughed and giggles at dresses, ️matching outfits swapping clothing under the rooms, so fun.  I remember picking all these awesome outfits, cool shirts Levi jeans, Edwin’s and no fear t shirts. We found mum and showed her our treasures.  She took my armful and put them in the cart and headed to the cash.  We had a budget of course and once the cashier rung us up my clothing usd all the budget.  So instead of splitting the piles she gives you your personal treasures back and pays for mine.  I remember you crying all the way home.  That year I wore the best of that fashion period and you got nothing but school supplies required.  That’s so sad I’m so sorry.

i remember spending months going back and forth to the tailer to customize my one of a kind prom dress, I had a unlimited budget and I ised it.  I remember you watching the fittings and knowing your turn would come to complete this tradition a nice one.  You didn’t even get to go to prom even though you bought the most beautiful gown.  I remember hearing her call you a whore, trollip and shaming you about your dress.  You looked so grown up in that slit side classic gown. By our head was high when you showed us that night.  I’m so sorry your sparkle always got beating dark.

i remember her frantically calling me time after time year after year lying and telling me the horrible things you said about me, pure delusions and I know ive attacked you like a wolverine awoken from hibernation because I was hyped up by her.  For years in order to be loved I was her angry puppet.  I believed her, she was my mother of whom I craved the attention of.  I’m so sorry I hurt you and have said unthinkable things to yu.  I’m so sorry.

tgere was nothing wrong with you or me. We were and are perfect inside and out.  We did what we needed to in order to survive chaos we knew as normal.  I’m sorry the puppet master used our relationship to destroy eachother.

I remember laying in bed listening to you cry yourself to sleep night after night, hours it semef your little sad cries. You learned to muffle them in the covers cause instead of getting a hug and night night she would burst in angry frustrated disturbed hands flying.  I’m sorry you never got tucked in.  For some disturbing reason I remember feeling pride at how mean I could be cause her pride though fake grew.  I see now she did this to of course make me look horrendous in your eyes.  I don’t blame you for seeing me as a monster, a enemy, a traumatic memory. This is so sad.

These few memories one within dozens more cruel incidences alone are enough to make anyone enemies.  I hate you too..  Sorry but I do.  I love you.  How can you knowing how awf it feels to be shunned and tortured could do this as a adult?  Who am I kidding I know why.  You naturally need her.

I get it.

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