Loving from afar

imageMy whole life I have felt as though I’m outside in the rain looking in the window watching others live around me yet I feel so much love for those around me.  My heart is always on my sleeve and Id go any length I could to be there for anyone yet I’m sitting beside you watching through that window.  Oddly though I’m very distant I’m extrodinarily social with a social phobia, means I want to I just can’t.  Why?  Deep inside I know that no one really would or could love someone like me.  This makes me sad just saying it, it hurts.  Loving from afar.

I am encouraged to go to public places and watch people just doing their thing sounds creepy but it’s suppose to help me learn how the be around them, see having a social phobia has nothing to do with how social I am I want to be apart of everything my heart is there in every way but I just can’t.  It’s the hardest of things to explain.  How does one say to a friend or family member? Oh hey I want to be close to you and share my heart with you but I’m scared to talk or be near you.  Ya it’s very friendly eh.  I really mean it though inside my brain the repeat record of no one will ever love you you don’t deserve friends you don’t deserve anyone’s affections your a weirdo keep it all to yourself.  People won’t understand and you’ll ruin your chances of everything.. This plays over and over and over and I believe it despite my logical side this horrific voice is implanted.  Loving from afar.

Standing on the side lines hoping someone will come take my hand in a gesture of im your friend, be my friend I truly feel that knowing me will only bring you sadness cause at some point I’m gonna have a episode and be a jerk face when you try to get close.  I viciously defend my walls at these voulnerable state in rabid to not get hurt again cause I just can’t take rejection, I can accept that it’s hard to take to my blunt side.  See I don’t know social normalcy where I don’t connect.  This is me loving from afar.

i have spent my life trying to destroy myself well not anymore!  I’m a damn good person yes I’m not the traditional normal persay I’m on the different spectrum and yes today I’m weird but in the future I may be accepted rather than feared.  Being so distant and isolated has taken its toll.  Always loving from afar.

 

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