As we who’s mind wanders and walks between two worlds the nights can be brutally long, each hour drags like nails on a chalkboard. The world sleeps around you but the mind can’t rest its trying to solve things that have no answers. The searching and searching the inability to find any comfort within. These desperate hours I know well. I have walked around the world anxiously pacing till sunrise to just see the world awake and not feel the Armageddon left behind worries, insomnia certainly makes one paranoid, yucky feeling to always look behind you. The pacing a soothing gesture that is similar to that of rocking oneself. It’s draining pacing the thoughts away.
these feelings and so many more become not so abnormal when staying within s psychiatric ward. You realize all these tears, all these struggles alone are not just within me its within many. I’m not the only person to think dysfunction is ok, abuse is acceptable and neglect is parenting. It’s not. At night many of us patients spend the night playing games together, sitting together in supportive silence. Lights out is usually ten ward returns to functioning when the shift changes so until then tick tick.. Tock I pace to the best of a clock Each footstep in sync. Up and down those dark Erie halls. Rooms of the sedated victims healing.
To entertain my massive imagination i tried and imagine why each person found themselves here, what did they have? Are they like me? most new patients are admitted during these same hours, long lonely anxious hours. During these times us night walkers always watch from a distance. When you first come into the ward you are at your weakest and sickest of states, un recognizable as yourself. They greatest of minds friendliest of souls can be taken by their pain and disease. The only disease that attacks the host with their own body, can make your own hands end your life that’s a powerful spell to survive. It’s amazing how different each person brought in presents symptoms of similar diagnosis looking nothing alike. Measels has the same rash, lupus has its butterfly patch and so on but anxiety disorders are a wide wide range as is depression. These words present uniquely so during this most exposed state emotionally naked the doctors can see you, your pain, your symptoms and so much more. To be given a word for these alien like symptoms gives us a name, a existence, a verification of truth. It’s all in our head, why yes as is a heart attack is all in your chest.
I imagibe these same walls have seen many people’s rock bottoms and these dark halls have been paced rhythmically with thoughts being questioned our inside sf returning to our person one day one hour one night at a time. These dark halls have heard the pleas of the broken beg for forgiveness begged for a end to the agony these dark halls. Until we meet again dark halls.