Dear Little Girl

imageLittle girl I’m shallow and small I’m a woman who’s jealous of you, so jealous I hate you.  Shameful way to think and be how low of a person dislikes a child?  It’s not you little girl it’s not your fault your a child I’m just filled with jealousy and deep pain at the sound of your name.. It’s suppose to have been me!! My dad! I’ve begged for attention and was always pushed aside, ignored and forgotten.  He has never remembered my birthday or bought me a Christmas gift, that has hurt since memories formed.  I have stood invisible next to him wishing he’d talk to me but I was always in his way, annoying and all I saw was frustration and distance.  I am his little girl.  His blood, first born and the one who looks like him, yet I’m a stranger.  Your of no relation and he lives for you.  Your birthdays are celebrations and gifts.  Christmases for you dad actually goes shopping for you, hand picks gifts.  Dad didn’t know I had curly hair last time he saw me he said I had a perm,,, I’ve had curly hair from birth.  His phone is full of pictures of you.  Baking, playing on the swings and pictures of you and him on adventures.  He has your car seat in his truck.  There is not one picture of my children.  His grandchildren.  He calls you and says goodnight, you call him to talk and you light up his eyes.  Those disconnected frustrated eyes that only looked mad and inconvenienced by my presence.  I idolized you!  Dad came to visit his grandchildren very rare visit and he sat here going threw his photos of you and genuinely smiling and proud of you.  My son sat next to him and he was annoyed my son was hanging off you.  Your grampa!  Not Pa Pa!  Your birthday party was something I could only have dreamed off, gifts piled high of the best.  He forgot my children’s birthdays, he spells my daughters name wrong and sends them nothing, my estranged dear sister had to send it, thank you for doing that, you know it hurts too.  I’ve never been anything to him, he loves me I know this.  I know he cares, I know it.  He was never allowed to love me, know me or do anything with me.  Because of you mum!

why would you not allow dad to be apart of our lives?  He’s our dad!  You told us he would abuse us if we were alone!  What kind of twisted person tells their kids that!  You made me terrified of him, you lied and got me spanked for no reason.  Do you know how painful it is to not know why? You isolated from family, you made us yours, that’s creepy. How unfair, you took dad away because he was scared of us.  Scared to be accused of ridiculous things out of spite.  What a horrible bond to break you left me with no dad a stranger I needed.  I needed a dad!  I still need a dad.

Little girl.. Little girl… I wish I was you little girl.

Love me

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