Why

I never had a chance to ask you why, why mum? Why did you have children?  You have said over and over that you hated every minute of raising us, you said you never even felt happy seeing your babies for the first time you said you were disappointed in how ugly and fat she was a new baby!  You always refered to me as a baby as having the Devils black eyes, that’s really fucked up!  I was adorable!  So many people would have loved to had two healthy cute babies, why didn’t you just give us up or as you told us and encouraged us to as well abort Ya.  You said you wish you made the trip to Fredericton and you knew your life would have been full of success.  Every single time you failed, you!! Failed it was because of us, bitter and jaded by your own inability to complete or be anything, just lay in bed.  Lay in bed and rot that’s all I rememver.  Useless! Why?

why did you make fun of me all the time?  It was never nice, I cried all the time in front of you.  I developed a ulcer at 11 because I was so upset you were told this by the doctor, you still did it.  My hair was knotted dry it made my fat face and head look huge, that’s not ok.  You told me I was a pigeon footed fat ass, I have a misplaced hip and turned leg because you refused treatment, I needed that hip brace as a toddler, I needed the special Frankenstein boots as you called them but it embarassed you in public.  So to this day I’m in discomfort because my hip grinds.  Why?

why did you tell me my family hates me?  You told me my grams thought I was a weirdo and that everyone was ashamed of me.  That was such a cruel thing to do.  I was in agony all the time!  I felt alone all the time and different.  I can’t help that my brain is different.  I can’t help despite your yelling and insults to correct me you can’t!! You can’t beat or mock the down syndrome out of someone so how did you think it would change me.  You isolated me!  In my own home, I never let anyone see me cause you told me to keep it all a secret.  It was my fault.  Even when you knew what was happening you still dropped me off there!  Why?

Why did you want to see me destroyed?  Why did you want to make sure I was traumatized and broken.  Did you take pleasure in watching us crumble and fall?  Why would you teach of every skill out there to punish ourselves.  Why?  Why did you bring me drugs and alcohol?  You knew I was a addict, you new I had problems you knew this cause your the root of it.  You lugged it home for me!  Why?  thats not ok!

why did you arrange such a horrible life for me?  When did it come to your mind that giving your underage daughter to a pervert?  You knew the intentions, you arranged the hotel, you coordinated it all.  You knew what was happening to me that night and somehow on your moral scale that was ok! Its not! You saw the bruises, you told me to stop running my mouth and please him.  You told me what men expected, you told me so much inappropriate thing.  Really is it ok to  your daughter to swallow !   What the fuck!!  Your disgusting!  Who tells their daughter to do such awful things?  You had me over sexualized before I even understood my own body.

Why did you burn our homes down?  Why! Your drug induced pass out with the deep fryer going, really!  How could you do that?  Your addiction was out of control then yet you denied it.  In the end its the best thing so back fired you psycho!  Ya know why cause that house of sadness is gone, never see it except I live in it still in my dreams.  All those memories are burnt.  You took all my things away, no pictures of me, no keepsakes nothing I truly feel erased.  You did this.  Even as the flames flew you put me in his car and sent me to live with him.  I was homeless and that’s how I left home.  I was in high school!  I had to graduate while living with him.  Do you know how that arouses perverts.  School girl shit.  That’s not ok!

Why?  Why?  Why!!!

 

 

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