The Blood

I woke up to the oddest sharp pains in my back, aches in my tummy it really was upset.  I stood up and my pink pjs had blood staining and running down my legs.  I was so scared, I thought I was hurt and something was gravely wrong.  I ran to the bathroom heart pounding that numb face feeling of uncertainty.  As I pulled down my panties I realized what was happening.  I burst into tears, this meant I was a woman and that means I’m changing, that means in going to develope all these things that torture my mum.  Oh no!  I had just had my tenth Birthday weeks before, I was way too young.  I sat there on the floor next to the toilet trying to decide what to do about this situation.  I didn’t know how to take care of this, it was something a young girl goes to their mother for the instructions of womanly care and all things like dressing, cosmetics, periods anything in this area was never taught. I don’t remember a single bath given as a kid so why would I expect help here.  I knew telling my mum would mean some over blown dramatic event and Id be shamed and embarassed, so I decided to take care of it myself and never tell her.

I looked all around inside cupboards, under the sink there was nothing at all for a ladies period.  I found a tanpon in the book rack, I opened it and looked at it and the instructions.  Nope no way I was going to do such a thing, Nope.  Maybe a facecloth!  Ya that will work. It was way too big.  So I balled up a large amount of toilet paper and put it in my new panties.  I flushed the blood stained ones I had to keep this to myself.. The toilet paper I could flush, perfect!  It felt like everyone knew what I was hiding.  I remember how painful those days were and I wanted to talk but never did.  I never bought or used a pad until I was much older. I often wonder how little does she care that she never noticed, or asked, or gave me that talk.  The harsh reality of being reminded just how invisible I was and am to my own mother.  This effected every relationship I felt unwanted and unloved this cancer that ate my heart until recently I never saw it but that’s my root feeling.  It’s a sad wAy to feel for years.  Even with my own children I never felt I deserved these perfect kids or that tgey would like me.  My own mother hates me!  Well i can say this now with absolute certainty these kids love me.  I’m loved mum!!  I’m loved despite your constant put downs and attacks your wrong!!

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