Porn

There is very little in this world that I absolutely disgust but pornography.. Oh I hate it!  There is nothing sexy or arousing about such unrealistic degrading violent abuse of the female body.  A woman would never enjoy this it’s acting out to please a man of idealism.  A woman is amazing, soft, she wants to be touched gently, to tell her what you feel and how her body makes you ache, held and kissed with passion that adrenaline of racing breathe.  A man who can’t control his need to explore your curves, tease your sensitive spots and learn your body’s signs of arousal it’s beautiful!  Sex is meant to be tender, loving yet fun with curiosity and need to know another inside out, revealing yourself intament. None of these arousing things are ever portrayed in this yucky industry.

My knowledge and experiences with pornography have been eye opening.  I remember hearing the growns and screams of a woman in pain.  These sounds became all too familiar and as we got older we found the stash of black cases I labeled hid in the top hole above the kitchen sink.  The naughty need to see these things at 8 took over.  I don’t know where she was probably in bed we were alone a free run drug up kids.  We sat infront the tv and awaited the cassette to play.  As all these things began to pop up in very unflattering photo shots.  I watched a woman be pounded and pulled on, slapped and choked till a name calling jerk pulled her hair and ejaculated all over her.. Like taking a shit., a hateful thing to do like marking your territory, gross!  We were all grossed out.. Now that’s a  genuine opinion if children know that’s not nice then it’s not nice.  If I knew then how much I would understand.

I remember very well being at the Devils home being babysat for the day and hearing that exact sound, peeking into the living room I watched a man pleasure himself to these images.  It was rough and full of gross panting even spit flew out his mouth.  I remember being so grossed out.  Every single day the devil would watch these films, he had stacks of these things like if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all.  Sometimes when the wife would go to town for the day he would drink can after can smoking one after another while watching these films.  I knew to stay away cause those yucky shoulder rubs and tickles would happen. The truth is if the devil had plans no matter where you were or how silent you stayed he would find you.  To become a object.

porn would not only be in the background but I’d be the performer.  After the hotel room experience it wouldn’t be long before the fantasies and sessions became more and more weird. He had no end to it he was addicted to porn and needed to not only watch it, act it out but now to make it.  He helped me apply the makeup, straightened my hair and gave me grooming instructions older men prefer bald labia, it resembles that of a young girl.. That’s arousing?  No pubic hair is arousing and sexy as shit.  I felt sick.  I walked into that room hands holding my breasts, just awaiting further instructions.  Sit down he said.  He removes his clothing and lifted the video camera up.  Ok mon amour.. Please spread your legs.  Now I want you to touch yourself, show me.. He zoomed it in and I followed his wishes, no damn choice.  Within no time he joined the making of his film.  With my head beating off the metal bars and ropes around my ankles burning like acid from the friction  He used me, hurt me, pounded me until I bled.  As I watch his ass walk away I lay there and silently cry. The warm skin turning cold like the tears  This never became something I got use to.  I know that these films circulated on the Internet, I watched him share them with friends in Quebec.

These few years of my life involved a lot of performing and even more  coping skills and addictions grew.. I had too I see this now.  I’m not ashamed of how I coped or what I did to survive.  I survived!

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