Lettuce

Long periods of time would go by and everything would just be ok no screaming, no throwing things, doors slamming, trucks burning rubber out front in rage, no shoving and then us,, we always got the shitty end of the stick dad would go away for days and leave us with her angry and hateful.  These quiet times would be so long the bad times kinda faded back.  See mum has this beautiful loving side to her she would bake for weeks, supper on the table as the bus door opened, helped with drama projects I was and am a very artsy person.  Mum could be amazing and all these affections would fill a hole of abandonment. maybe this time it’s for real?  No, no it never lasts.

the storm always started with lettuce.  The storm cloud would Strike like lightening with the lifting of that lid.  Stringy slimmy pieces of chewed lettuce floating ontop the water.  Mum would make herself sick in this hateful display of punishment.  She would only eat salads with hamburger and ranch dressing for months, the Atkins diet to cabbage soup for a year once.. A year!  Weight loss pills, speed and starvation and the binges craming food down her throat then run ti the toilet.. Lettuce,, it never flush Mum was set in self destruct, self loathing and the lettuce told us it was only time before we too would be battling over who could be the thinnest to be her diet buddy and made special while the other was shunned and made example of and fun of.. Fat ass, slob, look like your father you round faced bitch, your so ugly.. Here we go..

my whole life eating was humiliating, felt shame to eat infront her.  We’d go out for a nice sit down meal and she would eat a whole cake down a bunch of drinks right away, pick off my plate counting the calories.  If I ate more than she liked she would always say something, even posted a picture of me eating and called me mommies piggy.. I was 27!!!  This is the voice she implanted inside me, a twisted look on femininity.  After eating like a starved dog she’d just get up and “go pee” I  often wondered did she really think we didn’t all know?  Did she know people outside could hear her heaving and heaving, I felt punished too cause I ate.  Shamed, embassies of her and people talking IT was terrible. If that scale went up the total Shane game began.  It was not worth eating, truly.

The last time I saw you mum you filled my backyard with patches of vomit.  Did you think we did not notice you eating a whole fruit cake., tge black Liqurish sained the snow.. Do you have any control at all?  This is your problem, your sfestmeem and your fucked outlook on women.  It’s all yours not mine and I hate you for the torture you inflicted and pure Heart aching insecurities that paralyzed me in my own self punishment.. I win cause I love my curves..  I’m getting stronger everyday so go fuck yourself.

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