Baby Sister

I love you.  Please know I think of you everyday, hoping your doing well.  How did such a natural friendship meant for life turn into a war between mortal enemies. how did hurting one another become the way to get any kindness from her.  You are and always will be that sweet little blonde ringlett girl who followed me everywhere.  I miss you yet I know our relationship only brings pain.  Too much really difficult experiences to not feel the trauma and sadness just on sight of eachother. We can’t be sisters cause we both survived shit and only we know it.  I’m so sorry.

Memories of you come and go some my heart aches others are beautiful days spent in the salmon hole laughing the summer away.  I remember the bike rides and sliding days, the tree houses built and forts designed the rope swing and creeks re routed, snowshoeing and fishing, canoeing with Grams & Joe your face makes me remember all this too.   When we were allowed you and I wanted to be friends, wanted a sister.  Even now I wish I had you but I uunderstand  that the things ive said and done while invoked and mislead, I’m unforgivable so I ask for none.  I’ve hurt you intentionally for the affection we both fought for.  I’m not mad at you for trying too it’s a very strong need to have a mother.  Does not forgive the fights, the rage, the physical and emotional abuse the pure dysfunction that was our normal.  I did not look for mother on my wedding day or when my children entered the world, I wanted you.  I miss only you and the life’s we could have if we could like eachother, we can’t.  Our kids would’ve really liked eachother .  Both our kids are awesome we both turned out to Be better than her even on our worst day. I’m proud of you and is really we never knew much by example.  We both carrying grams loving heart.  No harm to our babies.  That’s a blessing.  The cycle ended with her love.  We are lucky.

why we had to fight and punish eachother is never understood.  I look at my children and feel pride that they love eachother, then I feel that hole in my soul, I miss you.  I’m so sorry that we lived in filth, cried ourselves to sleep, never got a bedtime book, bath or tuck in. I’m sorry you know the clink of a backhand ring in your mouth for asking a question.  I’m sorry you didn’t go to prom because of  body shaming, mine was awful so maybe it’s a gift.  I’m sorry you too had been put in dangerous situations, so many monsters let in.  I’m sorry you too know neglect and emotional torture. I’m so sorry you too battle the mirror, that horror that we know as nothing but faults.  I’m sorry you are pretty and everything possible was done to break you, the Shame of your own skin.  I’m so sorry we did things siblings should never do I’m so so fucking sorry I did that to you, I’m not that at all, I’m not that at all… I tell myself this daily because it’s really not.  I only knew and did what was around me, I was a kid and knew no better, no I knew it was all wrong but I did it.. I’m sorry!

Im sorry you too got caught In The middle of their hate and you too know what it’s like for a parent to beat you down literaly pound you into a corner. This forever battle of who do we choose, picking sides and listening to their childish games.  We didn’t deserve that.  We didn’t deserve any of this.  We were two beautiful children, cute little girls and we deserved to be loved as much as we live ours. What we survived is in no way normal or ok. I’m so sorry.

i can’t ask for forgiveness this I know cause my actions are undoubtable, I did it, said evil and hurt you with full intent upon attack, because I wanted a mom.  You said and did awful things that hurt me, because you wanted a mom. This is the truth, the reason I hold nothing towards you.  I don’t blame you for anything, you just did what you had too in order to just survive. I understand fully.

Please stay well and I wish you peace.  Know when I think of you I smileba tear.  I love you

your Big Sister

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