The time had come!  5 months of bed rest and 3 appointments a week in the high risk pregnancy program.  My baby bump was way too big for my body, full of diabetic fluid.  My belly was peppered in wee circular bruises like a rash from the insulin injection.  There was no baby more wanted than my son.  In my life nothin comes easily, I’ve had to scratch and crawl out of many holes.  My womb had held many heartbeats and this little fella made it home.  As uncertain as he was and the awful stress of getting him here one day at a time.  The day was finally here!  Baby day.  We walked into this massive hospital in downtown Toronto.  I looked up to the towering sky scrapers and I knew the next time I felt the air Id be brining that face I needed to see home.

It was Christmas Eve always has the magical whimsical feeling of the possibilities of love, giving and dreams.  We spent the morning walking around riding the elevators cause I’m obsessed with them, we didn’t have this  stuff home. Seemed like forever since I was induced and all a sudden my impatient cranky pregnant self felt that lightning bolt crack my spine, contraction!!  Holy smokers that really hurts!  Took me back a bit im a tough chick and wow!!  We knew it was time to make may way to the room things were about to get real.  we worked together as the contraction only grew.  I listened to his heartbeat and I could escape the pain and see him, my son worth every single needle.  Then my special day of experiencing the birth of my son, seeing my feminity of my bodies abilities was robbed from me, mother showed up and forced herself into our time.

Each hour only got more and more intense as the labor progressed I experienced so many new and scary emotions, pain certainly changes ones mood all over the place.  She sat there knitting this ridiculous 10 foot scarf, click clack tink tink that sound of needles clicking only growing louder over my breathing and monitors that drilled in my skull.  She started to act out slowly.  First it was getting the doctors attention over mine, then fighting with the nurses.  We being far too passive just embarassed bowed out heads, not my first side seat to her circus.  As I moaned and screeched the contractions felt like my hips broke.  The doctor checks me I’m at 6cm, when he scraped my cervix I jumped back, Freddy Kruger just tore my cervix apart, phew!  She jumps up, begins shaking and flapping her arms screaming and balling like a toddler.  Stop hurting my baby!! I can’t help the noises of my discomfort yet I’m trying to not upset her further I bite the pillow and bare down.

It was 35 hours into my slowly progressing birth I was in contraction every three minutes, I was exhausted!  Intense is a understatement.  The doctor came in and I had not dialated in 10 hours, we decided to break my waters.  With a jabbing poke I threw my head back pushing on those foot rails.  The relief was instant, the water ran up over his shoulders, 23 minutes of slowly releasing the amniotic fluid this should progress things along quickly.  As I clenched down on the nurses hand I searched for my husband who I needed.  He had taken her out for a walk to give me a break I was pissed.  The janitor was mopping up by this time I began vomiting with each contraction so the janitor stayed close, while in and out he offered the most support by encouraging me.  Alone as I worked along in agony and fear, so scary being a first time mom. Brad returns with her I could have slapped him angry phase was here.  Failure to progress, oh no!  They began to quickly prepare me for the Operating room my son was coming out for all our safety it was 40 hours and I had not dialated in a day.  Everyone was moving quickly and she begins running around crying like insane, runs into the bathroom in my room frantic blubbering she can do that on command. She had run out of her pain pills and withdrawl kicked in  I knew this game it’s all about her, always even my delivery rights had been taken.  She slams the shower door and curls up rocking inside.  The doctor is shocked, I’m mortified, brads beyond angry the tension was unbearable.  We all knew why I was not progressing I was stressed, couldn’t focus and in a high state of anxiety because of her bullshit.  We roll down the hallway into the cold operating room.

I began to crash and fade as they drapped me down, within seconds they had me open. Beneath envy cesareans like this are not done easily just cut and retrieve.  I was cut nearly hip to hip.  The bleeding was way too much.  The room spun I was violently shaking allergic to the anesthisia the bile boiled out my mouth the nurse begins suction I could barely get air.  I see a tiny blue baby blur across my side vision.  Blinks only grew as the machines sound in distress.  I hear my sons voice, that amazing first cry.  The room filled with people as they worked on me and my son.

I did it, I kept him alive and he was here!  No greater out of this world experience than instant love of s child.  Nothing would be the same.

Merry Christmas the greatest christmas ever.

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