When someone finally knows what this monsters name is, within that file I knew. I sat in the Florence lit tiny room so many tiny glass rooms of all padded furniture bolted down and a camera in the corner blinking a green light. You knew a lounge full of medical interns were wAtchinh. I was a subject a case, a diagnosis in which they carried the cure or so I thought. I was unprepared for the conversation that followed cause I was nieve to just how different I really was. “These are permanent conditions”
one: Rapid cycling Bipolar disorder. I had heard that terrifying word many times before, automatic association to news flashes of drown babies, horrid people abusing their children.. I was outside myself like this can’t be right, I’m sleeping I can’t be one of them!! He explained I would always have quick fluctuating severe mood swings literally from extreme happiness to deathly depression. For me I can switch daily, I never know what I’m going to wake up to or how long I will have to ride this wave. After mania I’m exhausted cause I can go sleepless for days, on high speed like fast forward. I become super like just a blur of creations and energy. Then as my body crashes in good chemicals instantly and comes the depression. There’s been times I don’t move for days. Just frozen in sadness.
two: Schizoidaffective disorder. As those words came flying out like bullets to my chest. i was spinning in a rush of pure freight. He explained that all those birds, voices, missions they were all not there, I did not just battle what I did for real. How can this be right I smelt the brimstone, talked to those voices as they lead me. That bird, noway I can still see it! “This is a permanent condition” This is far bigger than my knowledge I just shut off as he continued to preach the importance of this diagnosis. Fuzzy..,
three: PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: this was my minds way of handling traumatic feeling I never looked at because everyone experienced this. Right? Well no, no they don’t. The flashbacks I get can sneak in like Freddy Kruger and sit me up soaked in sweat as I return to that exact moment. My heart pounds,, this was a name for something I just dealt with using my coping skills.
4: Anxiety Disirder: as he explained it it made sense yet I didn’t connect it to myself. Like I was listening to some one else’s file. The constant flight or fight mode I live in constantly thinking the worse case scenario. The world was always falling in around me the devil on my shoulder.. Forever!!
Five: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My pacing for endless hours, counting everything in search of positive numbers only. I can’t handle change, in any way and I can’t not finish something. The cleaning, and patterns that have to be completed, I can only relax if everything is on par, I loose control if something does not suit my standard. I burst into tantrums of rage that with my anxiety. Awful!
six: panic disorder. My rage tantrums of distrucrion like destroying everything, throwing things, screams, beat my face tear out my hair, cut myself to make it stop. I’m in a state of panic, certain doom and I can’t calm down. Sitting in cold showers crying for hours counting the clock strikes till I could breath again. It’s painful like eating you inside out..
Seven: orphan syndrome. All those feelings that I was told to move on from, the abandonment, the neglect, the loss of parent I felt alone, lost with no roots no one remembers me, wanted me or loved me. I was invisible to everyone. The grief I feel to have lost so much is not going to go away, I’m never gonna just move on..,
this was a defining moment for me. It was right there infront of me.. That blue file of diagnosis of all the Un normal normal I lived daily. This is a part of me despite the comforting attempts to just get over it. The doctor looked deep into my eyes leaning forward. You will need constant care and supervision. We will start increasing medications under our watch to find relief for you. The pen scratched on the prescription pad as prescription after prescription was written. The side effects explained, the tests needed before starting cause it’s hard on your organs. On and on as the ceiling grate hummed in the background. The feathers rustling beside me..
This has to be a nightmare.