Pounds of punishment

My body began to change as if a growing alien had taken the wheel, the medications I was taking to just crawl amongst the living was inflating my body.  Many of us with the psychiatric community usually grieve themselves as you become a numb yet stable person.  A chemical labotamy your in there but looking through two way glass. The intense therapy daily was teaching me like a baby to live.

The nausea, headaches skull cracking bolts of lightening tremors leaving my hands is cicada like vibrations.  My face began to twitch and swell the side effects of lithium overtook me. The mirror my deepest enemy revealed images of that chubby little girl trying to make herself invisible to those weirdos amongst us, it worked.  Now my lowest weight sunken addict pale face with raccoon eyes was a blown up deformity. It’s her again the helpless kid amongst the Wolves again.  The victim, once you recognize the image you fill it with the memories of that time.  I had no coping skills, I was clean and revealing my demons rawly learning to live with them.

the scale only rose as the medications grew in strength and numbers, I gave up.  I gave up it was rock bottom, it was emotional hell I could hardly hold my fat face up.  You fat disgusting paunchy disaster, you embarrass me.  Only exercise you do is bending your elbows stuffing your face.  Look at you… I slapped my face, over and over punishing myself for the pig I was.  Beast was the nickname.  It stung all over as that record devoured my already messed self esteem.  At this point I never looked in a mirror beyond my collar only focusing set tasks needed for hygiene.  Like dressing and caring for someone else when you no longer stare back.

i ate the pain, I snoothered myself in carb based misery.  The scale rising I just stopped weighing myself cause once 250lbs appeared I was exactly who she wanted me to be.. Ugly shame on society, useless!   A blimp of depression in a sumo suit.  I fade into the memories..

she was perfect to me! I saw only beauty and curves.  A woman of beautiful feminity.  We had no doors just curtains for hung for a bit of privacy I could see past the torn fabric her standing in the mirror.  She cried in a mournful way my young heart broke in confusion.  She grabbed her mommy tummy and shook it violently screaming in pain.  She hit the mirror cracking the top.  As she sees my fat face behind Her she quickly turns eyes locking on me .. Oh no! and in hardly English sobs,,  I hate you!!  She grabs her marked tummy and pushed me you did this.. Both you destroyed me!  She runs to the bathroom. The punishment she inflicted on herself daily for having breasts and hips.  The same body I would develooed into as a woman.   I punished myself too my whole life cause I have large breasts I taped down cause I was a trollip for being all sexy.. Gross.  I have ribs that sit on my wide pelvis and  hips, my thighs are close as peas in a pod.. I kept developing into the woman  she was and taught me to hate.

So I burried it all in weight.

That weight protected me till I said I’m not to blame and I got it back.  It wasn’t yours to take..

Dony look at me.. It’s mine!!!


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