I knew the darkness like I knew myself, I know just how painful every breath can be, I know what it’s like to wish accidental death to avoid your own hand. I’ve cried till the tears no longer ran, depression is absolutely painful it radiates from the inside out like a nuclear cancer eating all that’s good in its path. Staining my soul I will never not carry this within me. When I started to experience the euphoric Rush of clarity and what was this tingling feeling? Happiness?
that summer was the second year in Mortuary school, I was soaking up my freedom just returning from a 2 month summer break that for me meant living as a store front sign for a business strategy. I still had the bruises all over my legs and back and neck as I had been nothing more than a sex tiy to a freaks fantasies. So seeing these Apple orchards gave me a bit of hope. School was gaining pressure as we had so much to cover In a short time I was physically and emotionally drained, dragging myself along others began to talk. My invisible sheild was malfunctioning and others could see and feel my pain. The stars of chaos aligned to create this perfect storm. I slammed down my restorative art books left the house and easily found a place to start numbing this itchy energy torturing me.
Pounds of weed, bags of dust, mushrooms lined up and some tasty mesquline washed down with vodka, let the binge begin!! We partied till the days had no name, hard I did nothing without doing it to the extreme. When you don’t want to live this could be the “accident” you need. Flashes of toilets, cold cloths and slurred soul searching. I remember watching the wallpaper bloom as I laid in the tub violently I’ll vomit stained and beat to shit from self torture and others using me. My body was just destroyed, I was deteriating like decomposing at a slow rate. Slowly the sparkle leaves Ya. I ran the cold water in my hands and splashed the water to my sweating face, morning withdrawl is always good for breakfast. Your jaw hurts from grinding, lungs burn and eyes blood red. as I dried my face I felt this burst of nerve fireworks, my pupils burst and begin to swirl like a colideascope of euphoria,, wow!! The room brightens, ears could hear a lady bug sigh. everything was alive! ️️This burst of life it was. I’d never felt the air on my skin, I smelt the flowers outside, wow!!
The water tickled my skin as I listen to the water bubble down the drain, I began to grow inside, dreams all came clear, rushing. Within me was all the answers, in a few days I had traveled the province, hit every bar, pub and drug house along the way. The reckless behaviour was at a peek, how I lived? Never know. Driving down the highway cars rushing I hung out the sun roof screaming with bottle in hand,, top of the world. I was dropping cash paying for the hotels, drugs, bags of the best clothing, the greatest of it all. Johnny cash died that week his somber words played as the background to my mania,, maniac!! It’s called this for a reason. Slowly your euphoria grows to madness and all logic goes out the window with you inhibitions and morals you become the disease, it invades. Days maybe weeks had gone missing, blurred memories of night clubs, shots, strippers, lap dances, coke off a dancers ass lights Ya up good your coke and rye stirred with a dick, hot tubs with dancers high roller. I woke up just about everywhere. I was invincible no matter how much I pounded into my body I could not stop.
I felt besutiful! Vibrant! Smart ahead of everyone I was the best Id ever been and had not a care in the world nor any common sense. At the end of our impressive binge I returned to my apt 35 grand in debt. I had spent every bit of my student loan in self endulgence, anyone should have been scared but I just saw it as time to increase my credit. Sure enough the bank just kept giving and I just kept spending. When you hope to die who cares about financial destruction? Not my problem. Sleep was not a option, I had too much to see and do Id never felt this alive feeling. The energy foamed out my body no drug I’ve consumed felt this good. beautiful mania never fade.
Mad I feel the tube down my throat rip out with a sore of puke, frothing foam boiling out my nose. The bright lights come and go, the monitors beep and fade. “Let it out.. It ok,, we are here.” I bent I half jerking. The room goes hot and black. Beeps fade and the curtain falls. Is this death?
The next morning I woke uk to a nurse with her chart. “You gave us a scare young lady” I must have 9 lives, nine painful lives.. Sigh!!