Mum

Just saying mum makes my heart crack and throb, my chest tightens and I shake and weep.  I’ve cried for you my whole life, I’m so sorry during your mothering years that you didn’t get the care you needed, I’m sorry you got sick I’m sorry your heart was broken and lonely.  I know you did your best.  Mum I love you with every part of me.  I wish we could know eachother without all that pain that awful past.  I know you did not intend for things to be so hard, too young I know if I was in your shoes I probably would have made big mistakes too.  I have I’ve made more mistakes and fell more than anyone into a humble plea of forgiveness.  Mum I know you love me.  I know this cause I know before the pain you too had dreams of forever love., you didn’t deservevthe postpartum, I’m sorry everything in life came so hard and taken away again and again. I’m so sorry you lost yourself and that your sadness broke your spirit.  I watched that cloud devour your person and everyday I grieved your loss.  You faded away and im sorry.  I love you mum!

im angry!!  I’m so full of rage at times I could just surrender and give up.  I think of you every single day Pkease know I tried to be there but knowing you like this in this state destroys ne, I can’t help you anymore, I can’t fight with you anymore, I cant I just can’t because some of your mistakes and insecurities broke me!!  You broke me!! I only ever loved you more the worse you got. I enabled you by lying for your image.  I hate your illness!!  I fucking hate that I have no mother!  I screamed in exhaustion holding my phone while starting a family cause I have no mom to call, I had no mom skills at all cause you had none either. I’m angry that your coping skills and attempts at survival destroyed my childhood!!  I hate this!!  I hate that I will never have closure because I didn’t get to say goodbye.  I’m in sheer agony inside knowing your only hours away, my kids will never know you cause they don’t deserve to see this either.  Knowing you makes me weak, fragile and I always relapse.  I have to numb myself in coping skills myself to know you.   Mum I miss you, I miss you and I wish you health and happiness I truly do cause if your pain is anything like mine you deserve peace.

Mum my beautiful mum.  I hold the good in my heart and forgive you.  I release you and when you think of me know I’m thinking of you too.

 

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