Liar

Im a liar.  I Lied so much and stayed hiding my whole life.  Why?  I needed to be normal.  I couldn’t have anyone know my dirty secret.  I always felt in camouflage around even my own family. I knew my normal was not remotely normal at all.  When you know that all a sudden you accept the label nutcase, feal.. Goth girl the harder I look on the outside the more vulnerable I felt, camo dissolving funny how people fear the unknown and imaginations in a small village of good Christian folk.! Asking questions only got me in trouble, so I shut my face and kept my eyes down.   I lied to people I loved dearly. Good people who only wanted to love me. I see this now.  I see its me who truly hated myself so much and head full of low self esteem due to that broken record of negativity pounding me down daily.

Its so exhausting trying to hide.  hiding is lying therefore I’m a professional liar.   I felt Like a disgusting person this only fed into my broken mind and heart.  As I entered into the outpatient program I was learning in these mental health classes that moving forward is confessing it all. I remained in the hospital daily and Brad picked me up after work.  Such a gift when you’ve sleot on a crinkly mattress for months, rice crispies all night.  This rehabilitation program would bring a group of gorgeous psychiatric disorders together and that while spring and summer we learned to emotionally walk again.  Psych rehab.  The trust built instantly as we stood that day and confessed our sins.  Healing is down right ugly!

The first time I said out loud my first secret that i was a very sick addict with a shit load of guilt.  It’s a cycle of hatred and harm all installed in my bleeding heart.  Years later I look back and see just of great of lengths I would go to to hide.  It’s sad cause past my diseases I’m a really good person.  I would drive hours to go to another town to refill all my medications cause lithium is one of 10 i take to just survive, this puppy was a automatic ️hello village crazy lady.  I did this for 15 years.  I craved only for acceptance.  On my 30th birthday after 20 years of struggling and battling demons at time literally I said fuck it and confessed to the world everyone I knew despite the consequences because I needed people this war is bigger than me.  I did nothing wrong! I chose none of this trauma I’m sorry!!  I’m so so sorry for anyone who got hurt just knowing me.  Please know I love you.  I want you and need you as I backup come running cause I’m only trying to not cause pain.  I’m unworthy of some amazing people who never gave up.

The trust exercise I did all those months still lead me today.  I learned my wrongs and began the 12 steps of recovery.  Step one:  I stood infront my peers crying as I leaned forward hands on the table snot running down my face vision blurry lik looking up under water.  My personal social worker stands holding me as I for the first time used my own voice begging in tears,,,

Im A Liar,,, I’m sorry I’m so sorry please ..  Help me!  I’m a Liar.

As the chairs slid out I heard the clapping.. I came out to loving arms.

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