It’s me again

Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the ..  Who’s this person in the mirror? My weak body stood wet and cold exposed to myself in yet another God damn mirror.  That spinning insanity of no control rises, like swirling around my fragile mind.  Exhaustion pure exhaustion deep inside my bones ached.  They familiar darkness on my shoulder whispering behind my tounge.  It’s been 3 days awake downing vodka in a cup crying uncontrollably at the thought of the role I had to fulfill, this fake person with no voice.  Mirror mirror..

Mi stared at myself,, was there any part of me in there worth fighting for? No cause the fear of returning home made me violently puke.  Every single day I was used, taught to obey and to please my soon to be husband.  Amongst the racing thoughts that zoomed past my eyes I could hear his growns and feel his hand smothering me, the tips of his fingers bruising my face  I could taste that cologne as his sweat ran down my chest chilling my skin.  I felt the massages .. The rubs in the office under the desk I was never safe I knew at anytime I was to comply.  I was tired of the carpet burns, the spanks that left my skin risen and hot, the black and blue pelvic bones from the thrusting with raging force,the videos and violence, the strangling , oh that feeling of helplessness  knowing he could someday not stop he choked me till I saw black.  He scared me.  imagine what marriage would be like, I’d be owned.  Shiver. Mirror mirror.

i stare deeper, the voices whispers grew louder,, I was to go home for the summer see and we had just moved into our new home next to the funeral home.  I was to role play happy wife and to meet as his rules and expectations.  The white noise grows into screams for help.  Do it.. Do it it’s the only option i honestly felt Id rather die than live like that.  Alone and empty a blowup doll, used.   I reached for the bottle of vodka and I took swig after swig feeling my ulcers seer in agony.  No fucking way!!  Do it!!  The whispering racing images the voices, the screams,  my inner legs layered in scars of razors that no longer made me feel enough to match my inner devastation.  I look down in the sink and raise the blue bottle to my lips, I feel the morphine pills and I swig them back tip after tip on repeat bottle to pills.  Empty I drop the bottle it bounces as I pop the top again.  Oxycodone the label read, I choked the bottle down.  Mirror mirror..

i take one last look and sob uncontrollably as I say goodby to myself.  I drag myself along the hallway to my room.  I had only hours till she arrived to make me go home, to be dropped off at his door.  I sat there empty and finished the bottle.  i layed down on the floor my hair soaked from tears.  I waited please just go to sleep.  Whispering fades to a low dull ring drilling within my skull.  Blinks grow longer,, longer and the room begins to fade.  in and out the cold tiles on my cheek pressing like s cold pack, the ceiling fan is like a helicopter hypnotizing me as the tingly sensation of peace slides over my skin.  It’s time.

Eyes open The sound of the rushing highway where was I?  In the car?  Back out.  Days later I woke up head pounding I felt the weight of the expensive duvet on my body.  Oh no!! In tears I grip the pillow and muffle the sound.  The house was silent as I heard his desk chair slide out.  Creeping towards the door it’s opens.  That tall dark shadow darkness the room.  Stay quiet.  How could anyone just drop their kid off, no hospital, nothing just drove me home & dumped me.  I knew I would never escape this.  The cool rush runs up my spine as he lifts the blankets… In a disgust tone he says oh so calmly.  ” you will never shame me again”. Cringing I knew it was fight time.  “Get up!”


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