Razor Relief

Slam!! The bathroom door violently pulled shut quickly locking the door as I fell sliding down the door bursting into silent tears.  I mastered crying silently that way no one heard you.  It’s annoying I was told.  As the tears ran down my face soaking my shirt, can’t catch any air my chest collapses in as I suck for air.. Make it stop!!  Make it stop!!  Hands hitting my face scratching my skin,, I could feel it,, I made the pain real.. Needed to see the suffering, no one saw it no one could see it or hear it.  As the roar of hate and rage grew more furious like a nuclear bomb blowing the flames up the stairwell into my fried brain.  Make it fucking stop!!!  I pull a handful of hair out and bashed my hand into the glass body mirror that only broke my soul.  You useless bitch I screamed,,, a razor fell to the floor as the blood ran down my eye I can’t do it,, As I fell face into the stained floor.

The tears soaked me the sweat ran as I crumbLed inside, I open my eyes the iron smell arose from its warm liquid blanket there it was.. I squeezed the top as the shiny Angled blade hits the tiles.  I stand looking in the mirror, bleeding I stare at the mirror.  My hand shakes as I move towards the inner thigh.  The prick of the point breaks my skin, the rush of sensation floods my heart.  I exhale in relief I push it rips under the blade separating the flesh pink flesh balls with red and it flows behind my hsnd. as I drag my hand along my leg the blood pooled under my bum. Again and again I drug that blade, faster and faster the floor begins to spread with my own pain.  I slam my hands into the thickening blood and begin to write within it.  Beast.

Fumbling under the sink for cleaning products to clean up.  A maxi pad for my leg and cut pantyhose, never ever let anyone see this.  I found a way to see the feelings that tortured me.

the scars mark my skin to this day. Time after time.

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