As I kissed the cheek of the mysterious boy who I desired. He stood there eyes locked he wanted to save me and I had no choice I had to make her proud. A wealthy respectful life within our community was the deal. I Was out in the world on my own before 17 and knew from many attempts to run away that I needed a home. I had none. I balled up my black dress to fit in the car, the door closed and all he could do was watch.
no conversation not even small talk made the whole 45 minute drive just the sound of tires bumping out the truck holes in the well beaten roads our boys hauled on. The green lights read it was near 1am as we pulled into the motel with the pomme de terre. A deep red door illuminated under the fly filled blinking light. The keys turn with that click the stench of the 70’s meets you with a punch to the face. My heart sank as his hand in the nape of my back escorted me into the room. Just a lamp by the white bubble blanket quilt draped over the bed. I was weak in the knees room spinning, I knew what was to happen next it was indicated as I left the house days before. You make sure he stays, finger pointing. This pressure of my dictated life weighed on me as if the world rested on my chest. Nausea grew as I looked at this nearly forty year old man I detested the very sight of him. I’d spent 2 years avoiding this very moment. I sit on the bed back towards him he begain to unzip my corset gown I can still feel his warm hand on my bare back. As he hung each article he removed ever so neatly I stood in my own skin awaiting instructions. He grabs the pillows off both beds and lays them out ontop one another. He pats the pillows. Place your bum up here. I cried in silence afraid to make a noise I did as instructed so slowly my vision begins to blur as I lay back I exhale and close my eyes. The click of the lamp and I shut down.
As the door locked behind me the sun began to rise across the fields the city still in the horizon. I ran to the car, sat down wearing a white under shirt and shorts I shiver in the cool morning chill. The familiar bumps up river began not once did he even look in my direction, I started forward hoping a deer would jump out and end this progressing nightmare.
the gravel in the driveway cracks under the rubber as we pull in. I get out as the car reverses. I stand empty outside staring up at that window, the window that watched every move. My gown in my arms shoes in hand I make my way towards the steps. It’s worth it I repeat I’m almost out of this house, the house that’s gone yet haunts my dreams.