I sat there terrified, curled up infront of him waiting in frozen dimensions for him to just say something, again with the clock ticking in my skull as the emotional bomb I felt like inside my cocoon of protection. I can hear him breathing a wee booger wiggling in and out.. It’s getting louder with each breathe… Ahhh common.. Tick tick, wiggle wiggle little boogie.. Stop stop stop..
This firm unapproachable individual of psychiatric wisdom a fountain of hope,, please just tell me what in the love of Jesus is wrong with me? Give me a name, anything verify what I fear is growing inside my mind as I watched it’s devistating symptoms eat the one whoms heart I craved with every fibre of my DNa. He looks at me I can feel him mentally making notes of everything I do. I can’t make eye contac, eye contact with others hurts, like someone’s looking in, as they glance I’m always behind the downward eyes of others.. He speaks!! Oh thank you! The humm of those office lights match my rising screams inside and I fight the urge to just run.. I’m in a city! I’m 12 I can do this!! Run run run… Run.
slowly he asks me a question I can tell by his human tone I need to listen. Attention you.. Focus close the rolladex of negativity constantly flipping in my brain. I can’t talk, I can’t tell. Can he see what i will not say, please see it so I don’t have to talk. A blinking system, anything. ” do you really feel you want to harm yourself? ” holy smokes he’s coming out the gate riding Eh. I sweat, it beads, I feel my skin start to crawl in prickly sharp needle points of discomfort. Should’ve run. I feel my chest rise as I search for words that make any sense. Doctor I think about dying everyday. He puts his head down. He looks up again. ” ok we need to discus a few things, I feel professionally your daughter needs inpatient care and guidance. You daughter is presenting serious signs of mental imbalances. This I fear is the beginning of something, she’s not being like this because she wants to, let us help”
Tick tick tick tick.. I wait please help me I’m hoping he sees it written in my face..