Learning

Ok this blog thing is incredibly awesome and I’m learning more as I go to make my blog more functioning. I don’t have a natural gift for Internet things so ya.. learning.

I’m so slow at typing I’m goi g to try and do more video chats eh. Experimenting

Sunny Storms ☀️

Flip flops

I remember the day I met a friend who shaped my childhood for years of close sister like relationship, I love her more than I should. This 25 year friendship has ended recently and it’s definitely a painful loss of a friend that once was. We never actually talked. I have wanted to talk so bad and I’ve tried a million different ways to accept who I am not what she needs. From family to strangers and now our values and beliefs are so far apart that being friends is impossible. I’m a schitzoaffective person with bipolar prominent symptoms. I’m a mother of 2 children with special requirements. I’m a powerful person with very liberal core beliefs yet adore tradition. I’m moody, off, distant, dishonest and plain ugly at times. When I was not accepting treatment and self medicated to unconsciousness I was at many times vicious and out of control. I have this mean side that often turns to a rage. I’m not sorry for any of my reasons but at times being accountable really fucking sucks. I’m always apologizing and asking people to be my friend and praise them for liking me because I’m so flawed and my symptoms ugly, scary, flat out insane at times. I scare myself when my gloves are up I know exactly how deep in my disease I can be. With all that said on a never ending list of shit things I’ve done I also must say I fucking survived shit that crumble giants. I’m made of iron now rusted ya but I’m good or should say had to be good at surviving, either I did or I’d died way before ever begining to live. I’m not sorry for the things I can’t change or fix, I can’t apologize anymore, im not that person. Im so much more and at the end of my list of flaws my heart is good. I know this.

Ive grieved my mother who’s heart still beats, I’ve felt pain that I’d never wish anyone to know. If I can survive the hands of pedophiles and porn creeps I can and will survive this loss no problem. Do I want to no. I’d like to hold my childhood bestie close forever if only she could have just opened her mind a bit. This is not the first time we have had to step apart over differences of everything. I’m against her core beliefs as is hers beyond offensive to me. I’ve been on the shit list forever, oddly to me all my choices and experiences and beliefs are some how negatively directed towards her opposite stance on things in general. Im not a grouchy or hard person to talk to, so it’s weird that my automatic tone is judgmental. I have friends from just about every walk of life, remigion, political stance and race, sexual identity or preference, I have friends from CEO’s to potatoe farming. I look at people as they are and value the friendship for what’s good about it, I like to hear different things and learn people and their behaviours are in general fascinating. So for me to be put into a strange category as villain it’s just I don’t know.. strange. As I’ve said verbal communication of feelings is difficult for me let alone a hostile feeling communication, is rather be razored by a chicken, so awful. Barf! So at the end of the day I feel like I never got to say what I should have. So to the girl I feel in love with I wish I could have been better.

I’ve been life threatening sick the last 5 years, I’ve struggled greatly in so many ways like hard shit and you never once called, offered to help, nothing! My kids are struggling and not even a text to see what’s going on, hoe they are.. nothing. I lost nearly 100lbs and not even a that’s awesome, nothing. I do some big awareness events and dedicate my life to educating people so my kids and husband have friends around when I’m sick. You can’t even change your boarder for let’s talk, so ignorant. You say I need praise all the time, no it’s not praise it’s support and I’m grateful for these people cause your beyond selfish. I’m going to the food bank yet I was able to make a few dishes for your bachelorette hours outside town at probably the most disgusting perso. I met, so so not gonna pop out for drunken chaos and high school shit. Literally you have not grown since 16, it’s amazing how few people you like literally refuse to change your mind. You say your my friend yet have never been there. Everything is not your things. You only have one thing. So frustrating. Ya I’m the bad friend. No accountability. For fuck sakes I’m not worth considering a different opinion. That’s mean.

I know I should have been honest with my intentions and feelings at the begining of us. I loved you. More than a friendship I fell in love with you and my desire and protection of you, yes odd and emotional but I was in love and unable to be loved back. I payed awake night after night beside you while you slept wishing I could be brave enough to touch you. I knew your feelings were never the same so I happily took the friend seat. The day you beat me up in front of the school at one point exposing my chest to everyone I couldn’t hit you back. I just again was hurting differently more breakup heartache. I’m sorry

I should have told you right off that I had serious issues. I should have been honest and not lied to cover myself and those really new awkward feelings. I kinda always knew your feelings on mental health, so I hid that so you’d love me. I wish I had told you what I was living at home, What I was going through. I protected secrets very well and only tried to not have my embarrassing life known. I’m sorry.

I hate!! I mean hate! Your belief system. How can you look at a person and be so hateful and lump everything into a ignorant blanket. The things said at times are so gross. I can’t see someone and think that. Deal breaker.

I wanted to be your maid of honour so bad! I was over the moon to be asked. Like that sad bisexual girl was finally on your list of recognized people. The list of requirements and duties and events and people I had to be around was way more than I could do. Not in anyway able to meet the obvious hand written list of ” all about my wedding” list. I did the right thing and stepped down rather than try and create s disaster. Now if this was reversed and you had been me I would have had you stand with me while another we shall call troll do the planning and party alcohol based things. Man that burned sitting in the seats like once again benched for not being like you. I’m different.

Your I can visit from noon to 1pm time slot you allowed for Christmas was so mean. I dropped money on food and decor, a nice gift. Got ya skull shot glasses and a cotton candy candle, ya I was so excited! Then the day of im given your abailability. A hour. What the hell man. Felt all judge appointed visitation while You have your lawyer present. So weird and again I said nothing when I should ha e said piss off. Every visit the same on egg shells waiting to anger anyone. I’m not some volitile deviant I’m me. Once again always in the tone of the devil.

I love your family. I was so envious of good your family are, loving and down right humble good country folk. I was jealous everyday of how good you had it and I had to go home to alone and sad. Your family was so good to me I actually know I became too close and kinda was raised a bit by them. That’s good people! Yet your so angry for no reason . So jealous you had everything. So lucky.

I’ve been known as the liar to you, from the begining I was dishonest. I own that and again can’t change it. Here’s the thing though. Your a liar too. If not more dishonest. I flat out lied. While for you it’s always been this I won’t say my real feelings or be upfront and open on your feelings, beliefs. They are strong enough you identify as them rather than having them. You’ve never been upfront or vocal on anything. So when does not being honest by silence become any different than dishonest openly? None. Lie by omission. Dishonest is dishonest and you certainly should own that. I’ve apologized.

My merciful fuck I’ve apologized.. yet not once is anyone at fault but me. So very unhealthy.

I have relief mixed with sadness over this loss because it’s my first love unable to ever love back. I’m relieved that the really yucky vibes are gone. Im sad because I tried everything in every way to expand your beliefs. Nope. Crazy bitch to you forever. The thing is I am.

I have to leave this in the past now. I can’t carry that pain of guilt, I forgiven guilt. It’s too heavy and I forgive myself now.

I forgive myself.

I forgive myself.

God dammit I tried to win you over.

Dishonesty.

I’ll always know where you are and how your family is. A big warm spot there in my heart forever.

I love the idea of you.